More then loss of one

Having sat thru like 13 episodes of Buffy, btw murphy managed to throw me all the depressing ones. I realized it's more than just losing the man that I love that I though was my one true mate. It's the loss of an entire family. I love his sons as much as I love mine, His dad and i have an amazing connection and I love him as much as my parents. But now I've lost an entire family and it's not as if there is death or catastrophe to blame all this loss on. They just aren't there anymore. all of them out of my life that fast, just gone poof. I keep searching for closure and meaning and reason and there is none. And then there's the stupid part of me that holds out hope that there will be a second chance but with every moment that goes by that nothing happens, my heart breaks all over again. It's just a constant vicious cycle of heartbreak and pain. My body keeps moving forward. The house is clean, beds are made, despite my cold I am showered and put together. But it's all just a complete show. Physically following habits and schedules, my mind is screaming and my heart is crying and my soul feels lost. Made a serious underestimation thinking this would go away soon because it just gets worse every hour of everyday.

Not getting any better

I know that I promised no more emotional blogs, so I'm not going to post this on Facebook or Twitter. I'm just writing for myself right now. Thought because I got so pissed yesterday that I'd be okay today. I'm not. I still want to cry and scream, I still want real answers, I still want Frank back. None of it's fair and my heart hurts. Over something so fucking stupid. We were supposed to be able to work through stuff, together. I got pushed away. This isn't supposed to be how relationships work, you work together and are partners, right?

I miss him and I love him. And every second of this just feels like my heartbreaks all over again.

Crushed to pissed, the world kept spinning

I've had a nap after some cold medicine mixed with Bud light (you should try that, it's fun)and I've talked with both Joe and Garcia. And I've had time to think about it. I'm pissed off now. still hurt but mostly pissed off. See, Frank's most current ex had a male friend that she had a past with and she confessed that she had feelings for this other dude. So I got ditched because he "didn't want to be in that situation again" but how is it the same situation? Because I have a guy friend that had feelings for me, 1500 miles away? How are his emotions under my control? I could've controlled my contact with him had I known it was an issue but it wasn't an issue till after I was dumped and Frank was looking for a bullshit reason. That's right I'm calling the "Bullshit Flag" on this one. I'm saying this was all one great big fucking lie. You can't go from fine one day to dumping someone over something they can't control the next. Now I'm pissed because I feel I've been lied to. The whole relationship was a lie, everything he ever said was a lie. "I can love you like no other man." Wow you proved that because you loved me right into a shattered heart dude. Nice. Glad no other man has loved me like that before. He promised forever and I get the first week in October, wtf? That was a short ass forever! Think maybe that one was just a wording thing though cuz you can't tell someone you'll love them for a month and get quite the same effect. Now let's look at the damage you just did to my kids and yours. Over some bullshit, your that quick to hurt them. Joe and garcia are right. You don't deserve me. You are not honorable enough, loyal enough, or strong enough for me. You are not fit to lick my boot heel on your finest fucking day. You say you loved me, I say you have no real true concept of the emotion. I deserve a love that consumes, fierce and fiery and is as strong as I am. I deserve a man as strong and fierce as me that will be my equal, my partner. I'm hurting now but it won't take me long to regroup and come back ten times better thanks to this little experience. And ya know my usual procedure is to destroy the persons life that hurt me but this time I'm going to let it go because you are not even worth that amount of energy from me. However I will put this into the universe, You will be alone in this world never finding what your looking for only a faint ghost of the life you search for will be what you find. And everytime you fail to find what your looking for, everytime it fails in your face I want you to think of me. I'll get what I want, you will not.

Till next time faithful readers (promise next time we will be back to our regularly scheduled chaos :)

BEX!

I have no words

I'm still sitting here. I can't get up and do anything. Nothing seems important. At least not important enough to move. The same words run through my head but seem to not want to come out of my mouth because there isn't enough levity to these words to convey what I'm feeling. You destroyed my life, the dreams no one knew I had and I'm just supposed to smile and walk away? I didn't think that you had gotten so inside of head. Why wasn't my guard up, why did I believe you, why did I expect more? There is no peace in me resting in pieces. There is no packing your things or putting our things away so there is no closure. It's just a gaping wound an emptiness existing where my heart once was. And there is no satisfaction, no relief to be had for me. When you can't find the air to cry there is no release, and so it just sits there. Just burning at the edges enough to be a constant scorch but not enough to consume the pain. I can't do this, I'm not strong enough for this and it feels like I'm at the bottom of an endlessly dark abyss screaming for someone to help me and no one is there. If I could just pour all of this pain out on this page it would be out of my heart and I could move on like you never destroyed my world but no matter how much pain comes out here, it's just a half of a fraction of what I'm feeling. And I keep watching the clock. In 6 minutes that phone will not ring, there will be no one on the other end saying I love you, no one to promise a fairy tale. In 5 minutes it will all crash down on me and be real. The end will be finalized and the emptiness will become a reality. It will all be over soon. The surreal vision of today will become the sharp contrast of reality.

Feels like I can't breathe...

Never thought I'd be back in this feeling again, never thought I'd be drowning in it. I was always the strong one, never gave any one the ground to be able to hurt me again. There isn't a person on the planet I couldn't walk away from with out so much as a glance backwards.

So why does it feel like all of the oxygen has left the room? Why can't I breathe correctly? Why does it feel like I'm crossing my arms to hold myself together, like if I don't then I will shatter? I feel like I'm made of broken glass that tried to come back together but did it all wrong. Why can't I walk away again? This isn't fair! This isn't supposed to happen this way. I shouldn't be standing here with a hole in my heart. None of this was supposed to happen, but it did and now I can't figure it out. Did the end of forever come that fast because that's what you promised me, and this sure doesn't look like the end of forever it looks like the first week in October. I want to scream and cry and sob till I can't catch my breath, I want to destroy something beautiful.

I hurt all the way into my soul. A hopeless, black pain that I had forgotten. It consumed me once before and I almost didn't make it out of it alive. It changed my whole being. And here it is again with it's crushing darkness and wrenching, heart pounding loss. Why can't I find the air to breathe, why can't I sleep without seeing it all behind my eyes playing out again and again. Why can't I be free to just lose it, why can't I just let go and cry. Why can't I even find the air to cry? Why can't I pull all of my pieces together again? Why couldn't I have my Jack? Why did my fairy tale not merit a happily ever after? Why wasn't I worth the promise of forever. Why is all the air gone?

Becky

Fairy tale is over

I definitely will not do this again. Was always very dead set on my views about relationships, why I wouldn't have one. Why I don't let people close to me in that way. This is the perfect example proving all of my points very correct.

Last weekend I had to deal with him starting shit between his most recent ex and some friend of his. Then Thursday i had my dad over for dinner for his birthday. He got drunk in front of my dad who hasn't spoken to me in a month over drinking. Then this past weekend domestically everything was fine except that there was no alone time. We discussed it and then he still went off and did his own thing, whatev. Was just going to say fuck it and take next weekend off. Stay home and do my thing. But then as I thought about it, I realized that I didn't want that. I want to spend my weekends with him. Then today happened. Today some she bitch was questioning him on his relationships. He gets pissed off when chic's do that, understandable. But I got kinda irritated because I just can't stand those hater bitches that can't keep your name outta their mouths. I said that's one of the reasons that I don't want to move to Auburn. It's got that small town thing going on where everyone knows everyone and they all got something to say. Fuck sakes his sister was just talking about this shit last week so it's not like I'm imagining this shit! Well he started comparing this to Dave. Which is a hell of a long reach considering the Dave debacle didn't have anything to do with anyone running their mouth so don't quite see how that fit? We got off the phone both mad. But instead of cooling down, he went online 15 minutes later and change his relationship status on Facebook!! Are we 12 again?? You can't talk to me you have to notify me of a change on Facebook??? What kind of a pussy ass move is that?? That's as bad as a text message!! Instead of discussing things like adults we do this on facebook, yep this is my fairytale relationship.
I know this is somehow going to be blamed on alcohol, my dave or past insecurities. I'm putting my money on all 3 actually because I can already play the conversation out in my head. And I might add that the whole conversation is straight bullshit. I don't buy into any of it nor will I when it's spoken. You'd think that after this past week it would be evident that if someone lashes out at me I will lash right back. I do not take shit being slung at me just because someone is having a bad day. No one is allowed to treat me that way, NO ONE!!

I can't take this constant emotional turmoil. It's a constant negative drain on me that I can't stand. "I'll love you like no other man, ever." I believed that line, can you believe it? It doesn't matter, none of it does. He said goodbye and that was the end of the fairytale. The princess woke up and the prince was a frog. I'm going to take some time and lick my wounds. Right now my heart hurts, my feelings are hurt, and my world has just been turned upside down. It'll pass and I'll be okay again but for now I will cry and sulk.

Till next time faithful readers,
Bex

Ok here are some casual observations...........

Thoughts that are buzzing in my head today.

Ever notice that Hot Pockets are like chinese food? Seriously, you eat one and your full but 10 minutes later your hungry again! Is that some sort of ploy to get us to buy more Hot Pockets? Is there a special chemical in them that causes this anomaly? I believe it's a plot against Jillian Michaels to make America fat, lmao!! Did I ever tell you that I'm on a mission to get fat just so I can go on Biggest Loser and Jillian Michaels will touch me? Yes I know this is a flawed plan but it's all I got man and c'mon tell me you wouldn't lose it if she was just standing next to you! Jillian is HOT!! Btw, the Hot Pocket observation is actually not mine. Shout out to B, that was all him.

Next on the list is The Happy Halloween Party. Originally Krystle was making less than subtle hints about me having a halloween party. Then last night Cameron was here and I mentioned it. Needless to say, I'm now having a Halloween party. But it's funny cuz me and Frank were talking about how I should have a party and get everyone from the Valley/Corcoran back together. So I'm hoping I can get as many of you as possible. Keep in mind it is one MY parties so it will be EPIC! No one can ever say my parties aren't freakin outstanding and memorable! Plus it would mean a lot to me to have all my friends in one spot for a few hours!

Ever notice that getting sick always makes you want your mom? Only mom can make it better when you feel like shit. So I am thankful that my mom is here to baby me through my cold, however, I think she's staying permanently. My step dad and her got into a fight a few days ago and we had to go pick her up. But yeah, I don't think she's leaving. I am too old to be living with my mom!! And hey, this is my space in the world! I'm bitching because I don't want to share my permanent space with the man I love, why would I want to share it with MY MOM!!! I'm too old to be treated like a 10 year old for god's sake! She yelled at me for not picking up my socks the other night, it's my house! I don't have to pick up my socks if I don't wanna!! I swear if she starts making me an afternoon snack that's it she's out!!

I hate psycho stalker bitches! We all know that I've had my fair share of run in's with these crazy chick's Kim, Nicole, etc. But now my friend Krystle's getting it. Her ex friend won't stop stalking her and keeps asking mutual friends about her. Dude seriously, Krys hates you with good reason! Keep her name out of your mouth, leave it alone cuz your a backstabbing whore! I can't stand people that always have something to say. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. There's always those silly little bitches that can't mind their own business and quit running their mouths. Grow the fuck up and concentrate on your own life! Have you noticed that the girls that do this are the ones with 4 kids by 4 different guys, no job and some sort of man drama happening? It's like their life is so miserable they try to start shit in everyone elses. Nothing aggravates me more in this world!

Well that's it for now faithful readers! Hope you can all make it to the Halloween Party, remember to buy extra Hot Pockets, punch all hater bitches in the mouth and I'm off to drug myself with cold medicine so that I don't hear my mom grounding me....

Bex