I don't know, I. just. don't fucking know.

So, at 43 you find out the truth. The truth of who you are. But that truth has holes and no one has answers, so what happens next?? The people around you think that you should just be you, nothing changes. But you've changed, unexpectedly. You're different somehow, but they don't see it. You're whole 'Verse is different, less shiny. Everything is.....less.

I don't know what to do with this sense of loss.

Who I am?? Do you know??

"When I stepped out to into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house I had only two things on my mind"......

I found out recently, that my dad is not my biological father. I'm breaking my own heart here. I'm destroyed and ENLIGHTENED in the same little ball of rage.

Been dealing with a separation between me and my husband. You don't need to know the details but finding us at the "Crossroads".

I found at 43 years old. I found out that I'm not who I thought I was, But I am.

I AM BEX VAN MARTER
I AM BECKY VAN MARTER
I AM TYLER
I ALWAYS WILL BE. 

People Watching, Vaginasaurus-Rex A Public Service Announcement

This one might be a bit lengthy. I've had allot of amusement lately! Let's start with last Wednesday, I managed to have an incredibly awesome and productive day, I accomplished so much and still got to wander the library for an hour! Which for me, is like Christmas morning. It was really, really nice out that day, Ian and I decided to order some pizza for pick up and head down to my man's work to waste some time. As I was fixin' to take off from there I remembered that I wanted to cut these stupid zip ties off of my seatbelt. Well, as would be expected I got 3 out of 4 of them off before I stabbed myself in the hand with a box cutter!

I received 3 pretty blue stitches and a couple of good chuckles. Starting with the complete failure of a woman that registered me in the ER. My hand was completely wrapped up and I had it held up above my heart, which is pretty much the only bit of first aid that I retained! This woman looks at me completely straight faced and says "Ms. Was this an intentional injury?" "Are you serious, right now, really?? You can see where I cut the damn thing, who the FUCK, intentionally stabs themselves in the side of their hand????"

I was a bit light headed at that point and my patience was wearing quite thin. See, I am scary calm when there are injuries, scary calm. Eventually though the adrenaline wears off, crisis gets a professional in on it and then I get allot less than calm! I was sliding down that slippery slope pretty damn fast! Jason came to be with me at the ER but not in time to stop 3 more people from asking me if "This was an intentional injury. Ms do you feel safe at home?" Do I feel safe at home, yep didn't happen at home and there's no box cutter there :) so as you can see, home is quite safe!

Let's move on to the main topic, shall we? Everyone knows that I absolutely love people watching. There was a blog that I wrote in 2011 about an observation I had in the bar one night, skip past the paragraph about Kirk Cameron and you'll find it.
http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2011/01/kirk-cameron-self-awareness-and-funny.html
Here's the excerpt if you don't feel like reading the whole thing:
 "I had to laugh because I noticed an interesting social anomaly last night, we've all noticed that girls travel in packs and that pack ALWAYS has 1 fat and/or ugly girl that one of your buddies is going to get stuck with for which you will owe him a massive debt. But have you ever noticed that short people travel in packs also? Yep, little groups of people 5ft 4in and shorter roll in tiny smurf packs AND every 3rd one has 1 tall person! I'm not making this up! Really, seriously! Short people travel in clusters and pack 1 tall guy/girl for backup it would seem. Now when I go out I always pack 3 or 4 big guys and 2 or 3 smaller guys that are scrappy as fuck so you underestimate them and are dumb enough to go after the big guys. I NEVER travel in packs of short people because then the attention wouldn't be immediately focused on ME! And let's be real Readers I've said it time and again, I am a self involved creature first and foremost. I got a big giggle out of watching the Smurf Packs circulate the place. They had tiny migration paths that they followed and of course my imagination took this to the next level and I kept waiting for the tiny little packs to wander too close to the packs of taller people and just have 1 of the taller peoples heads turn into a T-Rex and snatch one of the helpless smurfs out of their pack. I have a brilliantly vivid imagination."

Saturday I noticed a new anomaly. When your sitting at the bar and it's the early onset of their "Dance Nights" you can't help but people watch, it's inevitable. Someone or someones are going to catch your attention. I kept noticing the groups of women. Always coming in pairs or groups of 3, never more never less. 2's or 3's is actually a pretty smart strategy, not too many so that one gets left out, just enough to make it fair game. I watched 2 that could have been extras on The Jersey Shore and watching the one in particular, chomp on her gum as hard as she was, made me thank Jesus I don't have a penis! Women, please, this is not attractive! AND, it's disconcerting to the opposite sex to watch your mouth work like that! In the past referenced blog I noticed "Smurf Packs" and imagined them getting eaten by the larger predators in close proximity. Saturday I found the largest, meanest, snarliest of ALL predators and every trio of women had one.

Gentlemen be on the lookout for the Vaginasaurus-Rex!!! It traveled in the trio's, you can spot them by the look in their black lined eyes when they see a guy that looks like a picture definition of frat boy, their upper lip curls up and they start looking at any male nearby like he's a freaking Hot Pocket!! Manhaters are like Velociraptors but the real queen of the single's jungle is Vaginasaurus-Rex! I was terrified for every dude in that place! And they stack the deck by making certain the other 2 members of their pack are 1 insecure, easy chick and 1 fat girl that looks like she just wants to go home and curl up with a gallon of ice cream. Be on the lookout for this trio, guys and stay out of reach because the V-Rex is always ready to snatch the weakest member of your herd!!!

Till Next Time, Faithful Readers!

BEX!

Damn Your Minty Goodness, Tylenol Cold Medicine!!! And Some Other Funny Stuff!

Once again, Faithful Readers, I find myself put on my ass by a nasty cold. About once a year I get knock down sick and it's never fun. I hate being sick. I mean c'mon, yeah nobody likes to get a cold but I get truly messed up when I catch a cold. I can't function in any human way and everything hurts terribly to the point that I just want to sit and cry but that would stuff me up more and the fact that I can't breathe makes me claustrophobic. Yep, this sick thing isn't for me. I wrote a blog maybe 3 years ago when I got sick the last time and as I was taking my shot of Blue Minty Death, Oops I mean Tylenol Cold Medicine, I remembered that blog. Here's a link if you don't remember it. http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2010/10/cold-medicine-untapped-fun-or-devil.html

I wasn't lying, being congested and/or stuffed up makes me horribly claustrophobic. I get super anxious when I can't breathe through my nose which makes it really hard to sleep. So I end up snorting nasal spray like a junkie and chasing it with that old familiar demon juice, Tylenol Cold Multi-Symptom. Seriously, even after 3 years I can't figure out if that stuff is completely awesome or the darkest shade of pure evil. It kills the symptoms of your cold but it also makes you not care if the house burns down around you either!! I'm serious, once that pretty blue liquid hits your system just hang up what ever you were planning to do because it's not getting done.

So after 2 days of near comatose cold medicine state of mind, I decided today was the day to quit cold turkey and just suck it up! I finally unpacked my work space and organized it :) So that I can better entertain you, Faithful Readers!!

So at least that's finished, finally!!! However, I did not think the whole thing through as of course is my nature. I went balls to the wall, cold med free into this task and never stopped to think of the disaster that would occur after. Yeah, 2 hours of unpacking, sorting, organizing, moving around boxes, I feel like death on a stale cracker! Now, once again, not saying anyone actually likes being sick but for one reason or another when I get sick I get tremendously sick. This doesn't work for someone that is use to being on the hyperactive end of life 24/7, sitting still for two days feeling like this has killed me. I am quite literally sick of being sick! Which leads me to some funny observations......

Did you know that there is actual juice in Orange Juice? Yeah, you can taste it when there's no Vodka in it and let me tell you, it tastes mighty funny without vodka!! I thought it went bad or something! For that matter so does, Sunny Delight, Fruit Punch and Berry Punch.........so I added Vodka and now they taste just fine :)

My mom's best friend brought a small claims lawsuit against a local Dunkin' Donuts because their flavorings didn't list an almond extract and she is highly allergic to almonds thus resulting in one hell of an allergic reaction! She lost the lawsuit because on the bottles of flavoring it says "And Natural Flavorings".

And in other small claims court news, my ex Maverick won his case against me but will receive no compensation as I receive my dead husbands pension. But of course I will receive threatening letters about payment due every few months constituting a wagging of a political finger in my general direction! 

So as you can see the small claims division of our court system works for no one, but is amusing!! 

In other legal news, my 1 year conditional is officially expired and I am now free to smash someone's face in as is my constitutional right! Coincidence, oh I think not!!

New relationship is going well although, it does throw me off a bit. Not entirely use to a relationship, ya know? So there are adjustments as would be expected, nothing bad but actually kind of funny! Think you'll get a kick out of this!

2 days ago he showed up on his lunch break to check up on me because I was beginning my cold. Or that's the reason he gave me and I just figured he forgot something cuz come on, never had that happen before. While he was home on break I mentioned a tea that I like when I am sick. 2 hours later he's calling me to ask exactly what kind of tea it was, uuummmm ? Okay, I think to myself, he's just being super sweet because we are relatively new. Then the next day I was feeling worse than the first day, he once again shows up on his lunch break. This time packing multiple hot soups! 

I panicked. 

Straight, panicked. 

I sent a frantic phone call to my best brother Dave as soon as my love left to head back to work, freaking the hell out, screeching in my sick, congested, Muppet voice!! Panicked, I tell you! "What is the Standard Operational Procedure in this?? Thank you note, gift basket, flowers, a card?? Help me figure this the FUCK out NOW!!!!" 

Dave laughed at me for a solid 5 minutes. Laughed. 

First of all, the fact that I was considering this a situation to completely lose my shit while I'm sick as hell was apparently almost as amusing as Second of all, my complete and utter lack of knowledge on caring adult relationships. So Dave's reply was "Well, usually reciprocating the feeling works fine however, a gift basket would be HILARIOUS!" 

I need to find more girls to hang out with. 

Come to find out there are WWII ruins behind and under my new apartment complex. Yep, there use to be a munitions factory and depot here! I'm still exploring it physically and the history behind it all but here's some cool pix:

That's my roomie in the background getting dragged through the woods with me :)

Also went apple picking with my man and his children and had a blast as usual at his Mom's place!

All in all, life is good despite the massive doses of Tylenol Cold! However my belief in it's ability to cure me has wavered and I think it's just that I'm sick because there is a serious lack of alcohol in my body soooooo.............

CHEERS MATES!!!!

Till Next Time, Faithful Readers.....

BEX THE ALL POWERFUL!!!

New Life, Same Procrastination!

It's been a seriously crazy month and a half, Faithful Readers. I apologize for being absent for so long but as you well know by now, if I'm absent for an extended period of time it's because the Universe went to a whole new level of Chaotic even for Bex. When last I posted, I was in full Summer mode and had made the realization that I could in fact, be happy again. It was an exciting time in my little Bex Bubble. The problem with this way of thinking is that I put on my blinders and headed down that path not realizing I was about to be blindsided by "Murphy". There's too much that happened in such a short period of time for me to detail it all. Suffice to say it was all snowballed into a 2 week period of residing on the 7th Level Of Hell.

Then, I moved. New apartment, no more mold issues, no more kitchen wall falling down, no more running into the Ex from Hell, no more upstairs asshole neighbors. It's all over.

In the process of Bex World collapsing it actually began to renew simultaneously. I made a new friend through my buddy Tony that would become pivotal in my new life and my survival in the destruction of the old life. I reconnected with someone from my past that made me see that.......well we'll get to that. And most of all, if it weren't for the emotional support of my best buddies I wouldn't have made it through. Tony, most of all. He's a good friend and when I'm stressed and freaking out he becomes my rock and reminds me that I can and will get past anything that comes my way. I couldn't have done it without him by my side and have a new appreciation for his friendship.

Now even though I have a whole new life, I still have the same tendency to procrastination in the morning lol. Yep I'm sitting here in my Transformers Jammies, sipping coffee, listening to the news and writing to you my Faithful Readers. Nothing has changed in that aspect.

Unfortunately, I am living without cable and just got internet a few days ago so my current events/world news knowledge is limited to talk radio. LOL, as of course nothing can happen smoothly even in the new life, I have a TV but it's older so I required a converter box. Finally got that and an antenna, it's Sunday. Bex has football!!! Oh wait no, no Bex doesn't because I finally got the damn converter box hooked up and working but the antenna is broken, wtf!!! Of course I could get cable and completely bypass this whole issue however, someone I trusted evidently used my information to have a cable account and now it will cost me over $500 just to get this set up, not an option at the moment. Well we have internet so I'm thinking that I will be finding a site to live stream my football because I will be damned if I miss football!!!

My new place is kinda far out into the suburbs. Beautiful area, lots of amenities in the community. One of these being miles and miles of walking trails! This excited me, I like walking and hiking and especially in a wooded natural environment. Me and the roomie decided to finally go check this out the other day because it's right outside my door!! Talk about some incredible luck!

Everyone knows that I am a huge history buff and especially local history. There isn't much about Central NY that I don't know. Except this, right outside my door, along these walking paths are these crazy abandoned structures and  paved roads! Where the hell did these come from and why do neither myself or my room mate know about this?? We had literally only gotten 30 yards from my door and came across a wonderful older gentleman that we approached, asking if he knew what these foundations were from. What luck, he did know! He explained that this whole area was once a munitions works in WWII! All of these old structures are part of a military installation that built and stored armor piercing munitions! How perfect is that? I literally live in my perfect place, local history I wasn't aware of, abandoned structures that I can explore at my leisure and photograph! This makes me blissfully happy in a way that is inexplicable. How does life get better in Bex World you ask? Let me tell you how this wonderful new life got tied up with the perfect bow.

Earlier I mentioned that I reconnected with someone from my past and that we'd get to that explanation. Often in life the old saying that you'll find something when your not looking for it happens to be very true. In the midst of chaos and the destruction of my World, in the middle of me personally breaking down in the worst ways possible emotionally, I managed to find someone that I had often thought about through the years. Sometimes I would ask old friends if they knew how he was doing or if they knew what had happened to him. Always to no avail. One time I did hear some news on him and it seemed to be happy news so I left it alone but it didn't stop that fleeting thought from occurring from time to time. He was my first love, my first High School sweetheart, you always wonder what's happened to that first love. That love that seems to teach you the ups and downs of love and so often ends in teen angst the likes of a Shakespeare play. He found me and we began to talk every now and again. We hung out one evening and when it came to needing help moving, he offered to help out. From that day on it's very much so been like living in one of those fairytale stories that I love so much to get lost in. Neither of our lives is perfect and we are both jaded and a bit broken but it would seem that our broken pieces fit together to make us both whole. He makes me happy in all ways humanly possible and what's more, he makes me want to look forward with hope instead of just existing in the now, to believe that having a partner in life to share life with, just may in fact be possible. I look into his blue eyes and see all the beauty of the world inside one man's heart and soul. It amazes me that no one has seen it there, I get lost in the wonder of sharing time with him. I wasn't looking for this, I definitely wasn't expecting anything like this to happen. Especially after not too distant debacles of the heart and so many years of resigning myself to an individual, single lifestyle. Sometimes you do find exactly what you want when your least expecting it.

Till Next Time Faithful Readers,

NEW AND IMPROVED BEX

P.S. I promise we'll go back to normal Chaos and Candy content when next we meet :) 

It's The Little Things

 Been a busy Bex! It's Summer and I try not to stay still during the warm weather in Syracuse. There's always something going on here during the warm months and I'm loathe to let any of it happen without me there! Early in the season I started a kind of tradition. Usually I'm pretty big on getting pictures or little memento's of whatever big event I'm at. But this year I've gone a bit bigger with that tradition because I needed the positive reinforcement. I'm kind of simple in the way that I don't appreciate bought items as much as I appreciate found items. Even if it's just a sparkly rock, it touches my heart more than anything you could ever purchase for me. Not saying I don't like bought presents but it means more to me that if you truly know me and the things that I like, you find me something instead.

When my relationship ended in the beginning of May, it hit me really hard and I was actually pretty depressed for awhile. May is when things really start to gear up here in Syracuse socially. So I made a conscious effort to get out there and start living again, A) Because I needed to get over the funk I was in B) When I was with Mav, we never did ANYTHING. I watched him get drunk at his place and wander the neighborhoods looking for scrap. It was a boring and pathetic year.

Okay, back to the story!!

So the adventures began! I have been all over the city to every event I could get to!! Crawfish Fest, Jazz Fest, Balloon Fest, Taste Of Syracuse, and every concert in between! I'm at Sharkey's every Thursday for the free concerts, on Tuesdays for trivia night, Toby Keith's on Fridays for their concerts and the killer nacho's! I've been to Cross Lake, hiking in Oswego twice, hiking at Clarks Reservation, hunting for relics at the sites of the old resorts on Onondaga lake, Pratts Falls, Owego to see my buddy race his motorcycle, Weedsport, Fulton 3 times, Volney more times than I can count, Port Byron, plus the constant BBQ's and parties at my place, I've actually lost track of all the shows in all the different places!

Behind my work desk I have a blank wall where I usually stick my post it ideas and little souvenir's like ticket stubs. In order to continually remind myself that I am in fact living my life to the fullest, making excellent memories of good times and good friends and really putting myself out there 100%, I made an "I Love Summer" wall. Every time I'm working, I look up at the wall and it's bizarre contents and can't help but smile!! Like myself, it's contents are eclectic and random but I love every single trinket!

Summer is far from over and I hope by the time it does end to have completely filled this wall with memories of a fantastic time in my life! I'm going to say, Till Next Time Faithful Readers, now and leave you with some cool pictures of my adventures. BEX THE ADVENTURER!!

The Wall! Lais,beads,guitar pix,stolen table number,autographed straw,wrist bands,photo with Rebel DJ, etc

The Wall!

Earth Crisis :)

Clark's Reservation

Clark's Rez

Oswego Lighthouse

Ronnie's Race Bike

Owego NY

Mojito at TGI Friday's

Friends at The Lost Horizon

Pratt's Falls

Damn Honey Bear at Sharkey's

I don't think that I like the internet much

Once again I find myself at the hurry up and wait phase which of course will be followed by the whirlwind of activity. Happens every time, I sit here bored to death and then *poof* magic plans fall from the sky and I have to hurry. I quite literally have 3 speeds in my life, 1) waiting 2) going faster than the speed of light 3) asleep.

My summer vacation has officially begun seeing as how I got paroled from being a parent for the next 4 days! Really hoping it's not one of those mini-vaca's that end up with me sitting here watching everything in the Netflix queue!

As I was sitting here in my hold pattern, perfectly makeup'd and waiting for clearance to head out, I was of course trolling Facebook and Twitter. I realized that as much as I am addicted to the internet, I don't necessarily like it very much at all. As extroverted as I am I find that I don't like constant contact with people in general. I prefer my own quiet, sheltered little World where I can wear pajama's and not talk if I don't want to. Yes, there are times when my walls close in on me and I decide to venture out into reality and crave actual human contact but that usually only lasts a day or two.

With social media there are 2 pitfalls for a person such as Bex. When I left my home state of New York in 1992 I didn't keep in touch, didn't tell anyone I left, I just ghosted. Even when I came back, I didn't tell anyone I was here for quite some time. And then I ghosted again. Social media gave me the chance to reconnect with some truly awesome people that I had stupidly let fade out of my life. However, for every 3 cool people you get to connect with there is that 1 person, that 1 damn person! The person that you hated 20 years ago and lo and behold, that person found you AND is still a massive ASSHOLE. You'd think that in 20 years the asshole would learn they are in fact an asshole and fucking change, right? No, they've become a bigger asshole. And that asshole is now following you on Twitter and you have a million friends in common on Facebook and that fucktard is commenting on all your tagged posts and tweets. Dude, I don't want you invading my world, go away!!!

The 2nd pitfall is the over sharer. They're on a social media site posting every step they take, clogging up your stream so that now you can't find that damn post about the upcoming free concert in 3 hours but you can see 18,000 pictures of your friends kid that progresses like a cyber flip book chronicling that kids day from breakfast to lunch AND you can find the 3 recipes that person used for all 3 daily meals! Oh yipee!! Without fail that same over sharer will tag, like or comment on everything you post even if there is no relevancy to them in the whole Universe! Don't like my post "Cut sling load, pop smoke and head down range, hero!" because you don't even know what the fuck it means!?!?! Why would you like that, why would you comment on it, it wasn't meant for you although it is the route I'm going to take to avoid you.

I lied, there are 4 pitfalls of the internet.

Google. Damn your awesome knowledge Google!! I Google everything and anything, I am addicted to Google. I love Google. I will believe anything Google tells me because it's Google. Not so long ago I got a bladder infection, happens to me all the time no big deal. I always have antibiotics on hand but that first day is just hell as anyone that gets chronic bladder infections will tell you. I got the brilliant idea to Google home remedies for bladder infections. Being the responsible researcher that I am, I of course looked at all the pages that popped up with answers. Resoundingly they all gave the same answer, teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water, drink. Evidently the cure for a bladder infection is the same as how to become bulimic because after taking this little home remedy your body will absorb no food at all. However you will lose 10 pounds in a day! And your bladder still hurts. Google broke my heart that day, it led me down a false road. Damn you, Google!!

Stupid internet deals. I'm a fairly intelligent person but if you throw a shiny ad about a new skin care line at me, I will snatch it up. I got duped so badly by Hydroxatone! It's supposed to be a month's free supply and then if you keep it, they charge you. No, they charge you a week after you receive the package!! $140!! Then you have to jump through 19 hoops and talk to the whole population of Indian Call Centers to get a return label! Then, it's a month before you get credited again. Oh and by the way, Hydroxatone SUCKS!! Made my skin look ten years older except for the acne I suddenly developed using this horrible shit.

That's my rant for today, Faithful Readers. Till Next Time.....

BEX!