Most people begin the New year with a resolution and usually, statistically by February have failed their own damn resolution. I, personally, have never made a resolution nor will I. In fact, I generally do not celebrate New Year's at all. This year I painted my nails, watched some decent movies, kissed my best friend and promptly went to bed. It's a new year and like the other 36 that I have lived through, this one will have it's ups and downs like all others. I am hoping that it does less damage to me than last year but hey even that was worth all of the lessons that I learned in those 365 days. Good or bad it will be an experience.
I am however going to change the aspect of my views and general reactions to certain things. This change in thought happened a few days ago when I sat down and thought about all that has transpired in the past 3 weeks, it brought about a personal epiphany of sorts.
Twice in less than a week I let two people attack me verbally and I kept my mouth shut, listened to every word and stored it away for future thought. And I did think on it quite a bit. Generally I could give a rat's ass what other people think especially when they aren't a major player in the game of my life but, someone close to me did the same thing a week later. This made me stop and think it all through.
Here's the conclusion that I came to. The person close to me has a bad history of playing upon my emotions, attacking my insecurities(don't die of shock, even I have insecurities), and sabotaging my personal relationships. I discussed this whole situation with an outside party and decided it's time to put some distance there for my own good. I can't keep letting this happen and enabling someone to hurt me on purpose.
As far as the other person goes, well as self serving as this sounds, she acted out of jealousy and fear derived of her own insecurities which she then projected on me. Not going to happen again. Twice she's been a pretentious, know it all, rude, uncouth person in MY home. Next time she wants to watch her mouth.
I've been through allot this past year and allot of it I believe was self induced because I wasn't true to myself. Dave would have you believe that I conformed for the 2 guys I was with but that is wildly untrue. I was probably more myself around them then at any other time through the year. I acted and reacted the way the people around me expected me to and that's not me. I am a big advocate for taking responsibility for your actions and I failed myself with that this year.
No more letting others dictate my emotions, actions, life. I have a comfortable existence, financially, emotionally, physically. And I will no longer feel bad because others are jealous of this. And I will no longer let others twist my perception and dictate who I am friends with and who I speak to. The past is exactly that, past me.
My policy has always been an open door policy, doors open come on in. I still have an open door policy but now you must leave your baggage some where else because it's not my job to deal with it.
I can't fix you, hell I can't fix me. I'm just looking for someone as broken as I am now, lol.
Hope you all have a Happy New Year and remember it is a new year, time to let the past be just that, the past. Try living for the moment Faithful Readers.
Till next time,
BEX
