I've sat and considered what to write for awhile now and this blank page just keeps being........blank. I've considered writing every single detail down for the sake of getting it all out of my head and attempt to make some (Any) sense out of all that has transpired in just a few short days. I've considered writing all that I am feeling so that I could sort it out. Here is what I came up with:
I am hurt. You and your actions and your insecurities and your need for false, plastic, shallow gratification. All of this hurt me because I let it hurt me. That doesn't excuse you but I do share the blame. I never should have let this happen because I knew better but I let my heart lead me, I saw what I wanted to see, I acted on hope.
There is no animosity, no anger, because even though I blinded myself and saw what I wanted to see, some part of me has always been painfully aware that you would revert to this behavior, I know you better than any person on the planet. That knowledge unfortunately, brings me no peace but does afford me a sliver of understanding. Not acceptance just understanding.
My friendship does not have an expiration nor does my loyalty but I, myself have boundaries for my own health and well being. I can only handle so much before I become physically ill. Spent all day Tuesday throwing up because of this situation and another unrelated incident with my egg donor that decided to go off her medication.
I digress.
My friendship will always be here but being an intensely emotional person, I need some distance for the time being for my own well being. For whatever reason, we seem destined to share our lives, each of our paths seems to intertwine with the others' and I don't see that ever changing, I hold out the hope that someday the pieces of the puzzle will fit together by themselves. Because I did find my "Jack" he's just tragically broken and lost even if he doesn't admit it and refuses to see it by leading a shallow existence unbefitting the incredible person that I see inside of him. I really hope that no matter what happens, someday he sees in himself what I see.
For now, there is nothing that I can do. I can live my life, that is all. I won't let go but I won't hang on either, if that makes any sense. But I can't keep falling down this rabbit hole because it kills a small piece of me every time. It's time for me to climb up into the sunshine again. Preferably in a nice pair of heels :)
Till Next Time,
BEX
PS. Sorry that this one is such a downer, let us all hope that an adventure(Preferably, please God, a pleasant one) befalls me soon :)
I am hurt. You and your actions and your insecurities and your need for false, plastic, shallow gratification. All of this hurt me because I let it hurt me. That doesn't excuse you but I do share the blame. I never should have let this happen because I knew better but I let my heart lead me, I saw what I wanted to see, I acted on hope.
There is no animosity, no anger, because even though I blinded myself and saw what I wanted to see, some part of me has always been painfully aware that you would revert to this behavior, I know you better than any person on the planet. That knowledge unfortunately, brings me no peace but does afford me a sliver of understanding. Not acceptance just understanding.
My friendship does not have an expiration nor does my loyalty but I, myself have boundaries for my own health and well being. I can only handle so much before I become physically ill. Spent all day Tuesday throwing up because of this situation and another unrelated incident with my egg donor that decided to go off her medication.
I digress.
My friendship will always be here but being an intensely emotional person, I need some distance for the time being for my own well being. For whatever reason, we seem destined to share our lives, each of our paths seems to intertwine with the others' and I don't see that ever changing, I hold out the hope that someday the pieces of the puzzle will fit together by themselves. Because I did find my "Jack" he's just tragically broken and lost even if he doesn't admit it and refuses to see it by leading a shallow existence unbefitting the incredible person that I see inside of him. I really hope that no matter what happens, someday he sees in himself what I see.
For now, there is nothing that I can do. I can live my life, that is all. I won't let go but I won't hang on either, if that makes any sense. But I can't keep falling down this rabbit hole because it kills a small piece of me every time. It's time for me to climb up into the sunshine again. Preferably in a nice pair of heels :)
Till Next Time,
BEX
PS. Sorry that this one is such a downer, let us all hope that an adventure(Preferably, please God, a pleasant one) befalls me soon :)
