Tony or how my Fairytale ended

It's no big lie. Been going through a really emotional time in the past 4 weeks trying to get over me and Tony splitting up. Today, after many texts and conversations tony finally came to see me. I thought I was emotionally fortified for this. Yep, not so much. He always acts like a bad used car salesman and I always fall for the "look I'm ignorant" act, but not today. I acted strong through his let's be friends shpiel. I sobbed after I heard the door shut. But I did text him that after all those conversations and texts I had hoped he had come to be a grown up, discovered drugs were bad and that he wasted a good opportunity to lead a successful life and wanted to come home. He said he was going to come back and I waited and.............


In the mean time, something only 3 people knew came back to my oldest son mysteriously. And he hates me for something that wasn't intentional, quite the opposite, I meant to keep that which wasn't intentional and was quite happy in that decision. It was stress and an accident.

on top of this, yeah it hurt to see Tony today. More than you can imagine. Even more to keep the hurt in and not cry in front of him.

Jesus, when does this get easier???? I'm so over this constant pain. This much loss all at once, I think I'm passed one and another pops up.

I had so hoped that I was wrong through all of this and for one time in life I was right. I don't want to be right because it hurts too much to be right.

Evidently Tony found drugs or something else to lose himself in and this wasn't as important as I thought it was to fix.....what does that say about me????

BECKY

Why? Things that make no sense to me at all

Okay so it's been awhile since my last post and I apologize. Haven't really been in the mood to write as I've had some things that I needed to work through. Which segues into today's topic quite nicely. There are things in this world that I just don't understand at all. Been trying to figure out how to deal with this recent break up and of course everyone has an opinion. One of the funnier ones belongs to Joe, his theory is "fuck your way past it". Yep. Joe believes that you pack your life full of as much meaningless sex as possible until your past the break up. I don't fully understand how being a whore helps an emotional wound but it's Joe so I smiled and nodded. Terry and Dave are of the "stay drunk for as long as possible" school of thought. Which isn't a bad school of thought, that is until the hangover hits at which point your sick and miserable. And all 3 of them have deemed that I am not to be left alone for extended periods of time which is sweet but annoying. Finally made a break for it and got some "Me" time in.

Which leads me to the next thing I don't understand at all. After watching quite a few movies in the past few days I've discovered that scientists are dumb. In every movie involving alien life forms, there are 10 people screaming to NOT bring said life form back to the A) heavily populated science center or B) the heavily populated science center located on the spaceship that is our only means of escape. And then there's one scientist that pulls rank and brings the damn thing back to either A or B after it's wiped out a town, colony, massive spaceship,planet. WTF?? Why don't the ten screaming people knock out the scientist, thus thwarting the impending doom?? Why?? I think I hate alien movies now.

In the news today is a story about a research ship that was studying these 4 sharks when out of no where a 10ft Great White breached and landed his 1100lb ass on the ship. After fighting to keep the shark alive because they couldn't get it off the boat, they got some help and used a crane to remove it. 1/2 hour later they found the same shark, stuck on land! So they fought to keep it alive AGAIN and towed it out to open water. At some point you have to ask "why"?? The shark may have lost it's will to live or it was Darwin's theory of only the strongest species survives, either way at some point after "why" you just need to walk away.

Well faithful readers, I have to get going and accomplish something. Promise that I'll write again soon, thanks for sticking with me through all this!
Till Next Time,
BEX

Canales in Liverpool

Boycott Canale's restaurant in Liverpool as they refused to donate even a lunch for 4 Marines on funeral detail that have to pay for expenses out of pocket. Manager said it "Wasn't their problem" WTF????

Who treats our soldiers that way??

Fucking disgusting!
BEX

First Day

I've gone through Hell in the past 7 days. Damn it's only been a week, feels like forever has passed! I've sobbed and I've stayed in bed crying for a day not talking with anyone. I've raged and I've lashed out, I've pretended to smile and laugh with my guys, pretended that I was alright when inside it felt as if a hole had been ripped open where my heart once was. I've grieved and tortured myself and cried some more. Once I started crying the tears wouldn't stop, all day I layed in bed and the tears wouldn't end until my eyes were so swollen that no more tears could escape.

Today. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I woke up, had coffee, showered, dyed my hair, got dressed and put on my makeup. I made myself get up and be myself. I made my bed and cleaned the apartment. I made myself feel and I feel ok. It still hurts beyond all words and the hole where my heart was is still empty of anything but pain. But I figured out that each day there will be a reminder but to get past it and keep marching along.

I can't let the loss keep knocking the wind out of me. I have to get up and keep going because that's what I do.

The truth is that I haven't been myself for 6 months, not wholly me. I conformed to what he wanted and/or liked. I was completely in love with Tony and now it's over.

Every day will be a trial but every day I will take one step and another and another.
I will smile and laugh with out faking it. I will be me, every day.

Till Next Time, Faithful Readers,
BEX