I'm such a contradiction, that's my attraction!!

Some people find me very hard to understand. I believe it's because they try too hard. The key to understanding me ays in the fact that I am a very black and white person. There's no real gray area with me and what little gray area there is, well that's something you will never have access to so don't stress it. I'm actually a walking contradiction and I think that's alot of my attraction. I like being active and working with my hands but I'm also very OCD about personal hygiene. I love snuggling with someone, much like a cat I will curl up in your lap if you let me however I'm very weird about personal space. If I don't invite you into my personal space than there's a good chance you'll end up bleeding if you invade it. I like being in control of my life yet like any woman there are times I really wish there was a man around to take up some of the burden. Most of the things I like I absolutely love, if I don't like it then I despise it. There's no middle ground. I like the fact that I'm my own person, my own style my own look. I make it work for me. As much as I love my individuality I sometimes believe it isolates me. Take for instance Joe's reaction to my sometimes child like behavior. To him it didn't make sense that I would like to blow bubbles in my living room or that I wish on a star every night and look for fairies under mushrooms. To me it's natural to believe in things you can't see and to find absolute pure joy and wonder in something as simple as the feeling you get when you go too high on a swing! But I also have very real responsibilities, I have a son at home. And damn it I am not looking for a daddy for him, I really freakin hate that misconception. It annoys me and I find it offensive and degrading.  

It was brought to my attention recently that I challenge people when they're in my immediate presence. Not really all people just people that I'm attracted to. I do realize that I'm doing it and there's actually a method to my madness. Unfortunately because of all the guys I grew up with and the guys I've surrounded myself with over the years I have a tendency to get a little defensive around guys and automatically try to Alpha them into submission. Mostly because I'm looking for someone that won't back down. Lol must work because I haven't found one yet! Another friend of mine also made the observation that I tend to run away from settling down. Part of it is because I like being a gypsy, I live for the prospect of living someplace new and meeting new people, I love an adventure! I just haven't found anyone to adventure with me. I don't want to settle down, I want someone to run with me!! Unfortunately 99% of the population are adverse to starting new some where on a whim.

I think it all comes down to this when dealing with me: I am my own brand of crazy, my own brand of sexy, my own brand of annoying, my own brand of tom boy, my own brand of intense. If you are looking at me with preconceived notions and expectations than you will be disappointed and confounded by me and we are better off as friends who occasionally drink together.
As always faithful readers it is a pleasure to share time with you, til next time......
Bex

Pretty piece of fluff

I wrote this pretty piece of fluff while in the queue at the Social Security office. Hope you like it!

I've loved you longer than anyone else. Forever it seems because this love has endured for so long that it comes as naturally as breathing.
I will dream us into a wonderous dream every night as I have for so many moons now. And when I leave again my heart will cry out for you to stop me with a grand romantic gesture. Every night as I lay my head down miles away, I will wonder if I am in your thoughts when you do the same.
Because we never had a chance to discover if this could be a lasting love, never had the chance to explore it or our path together I have to wonder if it's not better this way?
If it was never given the chance to begin it will never have the chance to end. I will never have the chance to miss your arms around me or your sweet embraces.
having never felt this allows me to lay my head down and dream us into beautiful dreams for many moons to come.
Bex

Immature, so what!?!

Another I'm reposting

One of my favorite quotes is Lewis Carol "Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." 

I was called "Immature" and "Childish" today. Ask me why? Because I dare dye my hair blonde and not my eyebrows to match, because I have 20 tattoos, because I love swings, blowing bubbles, and drawing with sidewalk chalk, because when I get stressed or sick I like coloring, Because sometimes before breakfast I believe 6 impossible things. Because I have 2 fairies tattooed on my arms. 

"Immature"? I can wear a suit, I have some that cost more than most people make in a month and all are tailored to fit me to cover my ink. I have shoes that cost $700. So fucking what? Does this mean I have to stop believing? because I've played in "Corporate America" does this mean I can't be a kid?? Honestly I think this is the most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me. 

I will not give up, I will not stop believing in things I can't see, I will enjoy my coloring, I will laugh. I will love things that are "Cooler than the flip side of my pillow". 

I will get more tattoo's, dye my hair to not match my eyebrows, I will dance to a tune because it makes me smile, I will love because it feels good for just one moment.

THIS IS ME, LOVE IT, LEAVE IT, TAKE A PIECE WITH YOU TO SMILE ;) 

till next time............

Just your basic, bored train of thought.....

posted this on my myspace blog a few weeks ago but liked it so much I'm going to repost it here!!

Just chillin' at home today. Should probably be cleaning but I've done that game all week. Should probably be job hunting, but I've done that all week. Actually should be hunting someone down to do something constructive like walking, swimming, shopping, visiting, etc. But I don't wanna,lol! It's muggy outside and cool in here, there's beer in the fridge, munchies, tunes and my laptop. I was bitching earlier about something to do but I think this is exactly what I want to do. I want to sit here and put some thoughts into the universe.

As I open a cold LB Light here's what surfaces to the front of my brain....

I am so sick of people blaming shit on everything and everyone except themselves. No one accepts personal responsibility anymore for their own actions and I am personally offended and disgusted by this. "Oh waahhh my mom beat me as a child, waahhhh I was molested, waaahhh my life is shit cuz my parents party, waaahhhhh I wasn't popular enough in high school because of whatever, waaahhhh I'm not skinny because of McDonalds!!! Grow the fuck up! Your addictions have nothing to do with your parents, you made the decision to pick up the drugs not mommy and daddy! Escapism is your problem not theirs. Big deal your parents party! If they aren't beating you while drinking a beer then quit bitching. News flash, your parents are people and maybe as people they like to drink, so the fuck what?? Oh your not popular or skinny or pretty enough? Get over it, no one is. Put down the magazine with the waif models who eat a grape and a cracker as a meal, shut off MTV and their mysoginistic prattle, and last but not least PUT DOWN THE FUCKING FORK FAT ASS!

My son posted a scathing blog about me that was maybe .001% true after he went to live with his dad. Am I going to let it crush my world? No. Am I pissed? Yes. But you know what? My friends and family know what the truth is, so I don't have to put it out there. 

Why can't other people do the same thing? Your life isn't what you thought it would be? No one's is, if it were we'd all be famous billionaires. But life is a war. You fight your way through it. You make the best of the situations that come your way. You find the happy moments and live for those. Quit wallowing in self pity, quit the self loathing and just live!! It's an adventure people! Take that wrong turn and get lost, walk into that weird bar and meet new people, help an old lady with her groceries, watch a sunrise, just walk outside and feel how great it is to breathe a deep lung full of fresh air. This is life, don't waste it on bullshit! Go look for Mr. Wrong or Mr right now.

This is your homework assignment my monkey's of chaos, do something to embrace this adventure we call living, do some thing new or deviate from your life's plan, call the person you haven't spoke to in forever, kiss someone, drink a beer just because, what ever you choose but I want to hear about it!! Call, text, comment, facebook it, I don't care. Till next time monkey's..................

Chaos and Candy

This is a simple blog. Partly my observations of the Universe, part written account of the strangely horrendous luck that I have, my rants on current events and even a small glimpse into the strange inner workings of my mind. I've kept my Ejournal on Myspace for years but feel that I've out grown the site so on that note....Here's to new beginnings and the creation of "Bex Chaos and Candy"!! Till next time faithful readers............