So no shit ma, there we were. 3 pretty cute chic's sitting at the table in my dining/laptop area, right across from us not 2 ft away 2 of my guys sitting and chatting at the kitchen counter. The 2 guys were immersed in a stunningly boring conversation about cell phones.
Now that I've painted that background scenery for you....
The 3 pretty cute chic's were having an open and loud discussion about vibrators and the local sex shop. Detailing just about everything concerning both! During the still loud, very detailed, pretty pornirific conversation not once did either guy turn around or acknowledge that this discussion was happening a foot and a half away.
Now I am FULLY aware of the single minded, one track only male mind. I pride myself on sharing this trait with my adopted gender. However, WTF DUDE!!! We were having an in depth conversation about sex and everything sex related! How could you not hear this going on 1 1/2 feet away!! I hear the words "Sex, porn or vibrator" from 6 aisles away in a crowded grocery store and I'm running towards that conversation at full freakin' sprint pace!! Oblivious men, you guys miss out on some seriously cool shit!
Other random stuff from this week that I just can't wrap my mind around.
A commercial comes on while I'm catching up on episodes of my Kathy Griffin shows, it's one of those commercials that is for people to call a 1-800 # if you've had an adverse reaction to a prescription drug. This one in particular was for the drug Chantix. I kid you not this is exactly what it said on the commercial! I couldn't make this shit up if I tried! "If YOU or a loved one has attempted OR COMMITTED suicide while taking this drug call 1-800***-**** as you may be entitled to a cash settlement from the manufacturer of Chantix."
REALLY!! If I have committed suicide exactly how the hell am I suppose to dial the number and more importantly how do I cash the check if I'm deceased??? Doesn't anyone proof read this shit before it gets taped? Doesn't anyone edit this? Doesn't anyone watch the finished commercial BEFORE it goes on the air across the world? C'mon, seriously!?!
Next.
Will someone please explain kiddie pageants to me? What is the lure of dressing your 4 year old daughter up as a high priced call girl? Little girls do not need wigs/hair pieces, false teeth, spray tans and bikini judging!!!! Little girls DO NOT need makeup that would look better under a black light while they're hanging upside down on a pole! What kind of twisted sick freak thinks it's okay for a toddler to wear little high heels and false eye lashes?
I get that you think your little girl is the prettiest thing in shoe leather. I fully understand this. I understand that every little girl wants to be a princess. Buy her a dress up box and a crown! Let her prance her little heart out in the living room till she can prance no more! But to make up a kid like that and make her strut like she's a hooker in front of other people? Pull your head out of your ass and stop pushing your insecurities off on your daughter. To all the pageant moms: Put down the cake fat ass, clear your skin up, workout and go join a pageant yourself if it means so much to you period end of discussion.
Next.
I went to a new salon this week to snag a haircut because I was positively shaggy. My usual place is down the road a fair piece and this new one is right across the street. This little convienance brought out 2 questions.
Why did I get charged $25 to get a boy's haircut? You have all seen my hair. It is brutally short and pink. Very simply these are the instructions I give to all hairdressers: Shave it with a guard 2 around the sides and back, top is spiky short and do not trim my bangs. That's it nothing else. $25? I don't think so buddy!
2nd question. WTF is the trend with the "Jersey Shore" look? You've tanned so much your the same color as my leather purse! Tan is attractive. The leather look isn't, I don't care what Snookie says. Why would you trust anything named "Snookie"? The big bump of hair on top of your head doesn't do anything for anyone. There is not a guy in that crowded club saying "Hhhmmmm she has a smokin little body but the hair bump just isn't big enough for me!" or a group of guys saying "Well dude she's hot but not tan enough to match my Italian Leather shoes yet, so I'll pass." or another group saying "Damn she's about to fall outta that top but I don't know, looks like she only used 1 set of false eyelashes and only 2 black eye pencils, not enough for me dude." This look isn't attractive, it's fucking scary!! You come up on a strange guy looking like that and he's gonna flinch and take 2 steps back!
Okay so there are the things that make no sense to me this week. Hope all enjoyed as much as I did. Till next time faithful readers,
Bex!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Emotional Chaos of Others
There are times when everything is going pretty damn good for me but everyone else seems to crumble. Believe it or not it makes me feel guilty beyond measure. It just doesn't seem right to watch good things happen to yourself while watching the people closest to you go through bullshit. But in the same token, a lot of what they go through is really of their own creation. I have never given my friends any crap about their relationships, even when I know it's going to end badly or I see that it's not the healthiest thing for them. I don't say anything because it's not really my place to. Just because I don't care for their significant other doesn't mean I can trespass over the friendship boundaries. And I'm not willing to create an animosity between friends over something stupid. One of the things that pisses me off is that it always comes down to a friends significant other throwing out the ultimatum that they can't hang out with me. Yes it bothers me immensely to not be close to my friends but if it makes their life easier then so be it.
With that being said, let's move to the dilemma at hand. I have 2 friends that are lashing out at me because I'm in a relationship now. They each swear up and down that they aren't lashing out at me however when you text message someone things like "Whore" and "Once you realize your never gonna get the girl u stop feeling the need to put things softly." yea dude that IS lashing out. When you constantly ask if my new boyfriend has screwed up yet, it IS lashing out. When you know I'm hurting over a situation and you come at me with both barrel's firing in my direction, that IS lashing out. It doesn't matter if it's what you intend to do it is what your doing. And now I feel like an asshole for thinking that I would get the same respect that I have given in the past and for thinking that our friendship was sacred. I'm not going to sit by with my mouth closed while they passively/ aggresively attack me. No way. I will not take that shit from anyone. Either our friendship means enough to you that you will stop or it doesn't and you will exit my life stage left. It's that easy. I will not make this choice, I will not be forced into choosing between my best friend and the man I love. You will make this choice. I've gone through this so many times for various reasons, having to walk away from my best friend and each time it has hurt me and taken a little bit away from me but we always seem to come back together. But I'm not looking for that this time. This relationship is very important to me and if you can't set aside your feelings to be supportive of an important thing in your best friends life then I guess your not a best friend are you?
Lashing out at me is not the answer. I am not at fault for how you feel inside. Own your feelings don't push off responsibility on me. I'm not standing over you with a gun saying "feel these feelings or die." I'm sorry that it hurts you and I'm sorry for my indirect participation in that. And I'm sorry for any insecurity you feel in our friendship because of me. I do put my best friends in a very awkward position because I do count on them to hold me together and babysit my life because it's generally a fearsome wreck. I put a lot of responsibility on their shoulders both physically and emotionally. Being my best friend is tough. Maybe that's why I find men of strength to fill that position in my life because I know they are strong enough to take my emotional turmoil. I am not an easy person to love at all. And I am very needy. But whether or not I'm seeing someone, I will ALWAYS need my best friends. I will always need my guys to be there because it takes more than one person to hold me together lol. They are my brothers, each one of them. They will always hold a special place in my life that no one else can touch because they have been there through the good and traumatic times. We've shared epic laughs and tears we never thought would end. We've spiraled out of control together and made our dreams come true together. These guys are my family. Ryan, Garcia, Phill, Dave. I can not express the amount of respect and love I have for these guys. So when one of them acts out at me because their feelings are hurt it destroys me. But I will not take responsibility for someone else's feelings. This is not my fault. Nor will I continue to feel as if I have to walk on egg shells or feel as if I have to hide my own feelings for your sake. I can't apologize for falling in love with someone. True that none of us saw this coming, c'mon I don't even date! But it has happened just as it's happened to each one of them. Be supportive, be my friend, be there for me to freak out on, continue our saga together as always or don't. But nothing is going to keep me from walking the path that I have chosen for myself. I feel as if I finally fit somewhere, like I finally found where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be with. Don't take this feeling away from me by belittling it.
Till next time faithful readers,
Bex
With that being said, let's move to the dilemma at hand. I have 2 friends that are lashing out at me because I'm in a relationship now. They each swear up and down that they aren't lashing out at me however when you text message someone things like "Whore" and "Once you realize your never gonna get the girl u stop feeling the need to put things softly." yea dude that IS lashing out. When you constantly ask if my new boyfriend has screwed up yet, it IS lashing out. When you know I'm hurting over a situation and you come at me with both barrel's firing in my direction, that IS lashing out. It doesn't matter if it's what you intend to do it is what your doing. And now I feel like an asshole for thinking that I would get the same respect that I have given in the past and for thinking that our friendship was sacred. I'm not going to sit by with my mouth closed while they passively/ aggresively attack me. No way. I will not take that shit from anyone. Either our friendship means enough to you that you will stop or it doesn't and you will exit my life stage left. It's that easy. I will not make this choice, I will not be forced into choosing between my best friend and the man I love. You will make this choice. I've gone through this so many times for various reasons, having to walk away from my best friend and each time it has hurt me and taken a little bit away from me but we always seem to come back together. But I'm not looking for that this time. This relationship is very important to me and if you can't set aside your feelings to be supportive of an important thing in your best friends life then I guess your not a best friend are you?
Lashing out at me is not the answer. I am not at fault for how you feel inside. Own your feelings don't push off responsibility on me. I'm not standing over you with a gun saying "feel these feelings or die." I'm sorry that it hurts you and I'm sorry for my indirect participation in that. And I'm sorry for any insecurity you feel in our friendship because of me. I do put my best friends in a very awkward position because I do count on them to hold me together and babysit my life because it's generally a fearsome wreck. I put a lot of responsibility on their shoulders both physically and emotionally. Being my best friend is tough. Maybe that's why I find men of strength to fill that position in my life because I know they are strong enough to take my emotional turmoil. I am not an easy person to love at all. And I am very needy. But whether or not I'm seeing someone, I will ALWAYS need my best friends. I will always need my guys to be there because it takes more than one person to hold me together lol. They are my brothers, each one of them. They will always hold a special place in my life that no one else can touch because they have been there through the good and traumatic times. We've shared epic laughs and tears we never thought would end. We've spiraled out of control together and made our dreams come true together. These guys are my family. Ryan, Garcia, Phill, Dave. I can not express the amount of respect and love I have for these guys. So when one of them acts out at me because their feelings are hurt it destroys me. But I will not take responsibility for someone else's feelings. This is not my fault. Nor will I continue to feel as if I have to walk on egg shells or feel as if I have to hide my own feelings for your sake. I can't apologize for falling in love with someone. True that none of us saw this coming, c'mon I don't even date! But it has happened just as it's happened to each one of them. Be supportive, be my friend, be there for me to freak out on, continue our saga together as always or don't. But nothing is going to keep me from walking the path that I have chosen for myself. I feel as if I finally fit somewhere, like I finally found where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be with. Don't take this feeling away from me by belittling it.
Till next time faithful readers,
Bex
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Music and writing are my heroin
To me music goes hand in hand with breathing. I don't have a single memory that I can't name the tune that was playing at the time or the song I associate it with. I even have a specific tune for each of my friends that plays in my mind when I'm speaking to them. I don't go anywhere without my iPod and iHome and headphones. There isn't a moment that I'm not listening to tunes or it's not playing in the background. I spend a significant amount of time acquiring music and finding new bands to listen to and forwarding to different people with appreciation. And when I say I listen to everything, I literally mean everything. Classical, Jazz, Big Band Swing, Oldies, Classic Rock, Acid Rock, Death Metal, Thrash, Hair Bands, New Wave, 80's, Punk, Rock, Alternative, Emo, Electro, Rap, Dance, Pop. You get the point.
I've noticed that some music needs certain things. Some tunes need air to breathe, some need tears and some just need out loud laughter or a smile from a faded memory. Some tunes need friends around while others need solitude. Some music requires you to dance waving one hand free in the air while some requires some serious air guitar maybe even an air drum solo. It sometimes amazes me how much of my life is centered around music and it stuns me when I come across people that can live without music. Once you've heard any type of music how could it not become an integral part of your existence? How can it not rule your very spirit or soul? How can tunes not move you to tears then laughter in a few notes? Singers that pierce your heart with their tenor, lyrics that make you feel as if they were meant for your experience.
And there is nothing like going to a show!! Concerts are my passion. Sharing the music live with the musicians is soul altering for me. I don't care if there's 20 or 20,000 people there watching the show, it's always just me and the band and they are playing just for me. Even if you hear that a band is a disappointment live, I don't care. Seeing them live will always change me for the better. And some bands I've noticed sound better in a different environment, Type O Negative and Gwar kick ass and wreck your being in a club like the Lost Horizon but don't sound the same in a stadium. Some bands sound horrible in a smaller place but kill ya in a stadium. Just depends on the tunes and the band and the genre of music. Jazz should never be listened to in any place but a seedy cellar club filled with smoke and the smell of cheap scotch, lol.
I encourage everyone in the Universe to these two experiments. 1) Try different music! Step outside your comfort zone and try some new sounds. Hit me up for something and I'll find you some juicy tunes! 2) Just one day, keep the iPod on continous shuffle, CD's and Records spinning, Tapes playing, Radio blaring! Fill your world with music for just one 24 hour period! I want to hear the results of your musical endeavors! Tell me how it makes you feel.
There are few things in this world that have the power to control me enough to calm me down, soothe me to my very core. Music and writing are my heroin. Till next time faithful readers.......
Bex
I've noticed that some music needs certain things. Some tunes need air to breathe, some need tears and some just need out loud laughter or a smile from a faded memory. Some tunes need friends around while others need solitude. Some music requires you to dance waving one hand free in the air while some requires some serious air guitar maybe even an air drum solo. It sometimes amazes me how much of my life is centered around music and it stuns me when I come across people that can live without music. Once you've heard any type of music how could it not become an integral part of your existence? How can it not rule your very spirit or soul? How can tunes not move you to tears then laughter in a few notes? Singers that pierce your heart with their tenor, lyrics that make you feel as if they were meant for your experience.
And there is nothing like going to a show!! Concerts are my passion. Sharing the music live with the musicians is soul altering for me. I don't care if there's 20 or 20,000 people there watching the show, it's always just me and the band and they are playing just for me. Even if you hear that a band is a disappointment live, I don't care. Seeing them live will always change me for the better. And some bands I've noticed sound better in a different environment, Type O Negative and Gwar kick ass and wreck your being in a club like the Lost Horizon but don't sound the same in a stadium. Some bands sound horrible in a smaller place but kill ya in a stadium. Just depends on the tunes and the band and the genre of music. Jazz should never be listened to in any place but a seedy cellar club filled with smoke and the smell of cheap scotch, lol.
I encourage everyone in the Universe to these two experiments. 1) Try different music! Step outside your comfort zone and try some new sounds. Hit me up for something and I'll find you some juicy tunes! 2) Just one day, keep the iPod on continous shuffle, CD's and Records spinning, Tapes playing, Radio blaring! Fill your world with music for just one 24 hour period! I want to hear the results of your musical endeavors! Tell me how it makes you feel.
There are few things in this world that have the power to control me enough to calm me down, soothe me to my very core. Music and writing are my heroin. Till next time faithful readers.......
Bex
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Organized religion
Was actually going to blog about this yesterday but I was sick and my mind was entirely else where. Have had two things kind of annoy me this week.
I don't really have anything against organized religion. It's just not my choice. I'm not comfortable with the doctrines and teachings and I'm most definitely not ok with all the restrictions. If your God is such an all loving God than why all the rules? And don't you think that because times have changed we could come up with some more modern rules? There isn't anything in the 10 commandments about molesting children or smoking crack and beating your family half to death. Shouldn't this be in there somewhere? It has to be possible to update this stuff, I mean hell the Catholic church has changed it's stance on so much other crap through history repeatedly. I readily and whole heartedly admit that organized religion is excellent for some people BUT IT'S NOT FOR ALL PEOPLE!!!! Stop pushing your beliefs on me. I applaud your devotion and faith, I am happy that something good has happened in a positive direction for you. But just because it's good for some doesn't mean it's good for all. I have faith and devotion in my beliefs, maybe as much as you do in yours maybe not but you have never once seen me write about those beliefs because that is mine and I feel no reason at all to put that in the universe unless you ask me. I will never shove my beliefs down someone else's throat repeatedly just for the sake of being right. Who's to say which belief or religion is right? Is it up to you? Is it up to the priests? Ministers? Rabbi's? Shouldn't it be up to a higher power? And don't you think that a reasonable Higher Power would look at everyone and realize the good and evil within that person based on their soul and not what's written in a 2000 yr old novel? Don't you think an omnipotent Higher Power would appreciate a person speaking directly to them without feeling it necessary to enter some pretentiously decorated building? Why wouldn't the Higher Power be able to hear me outside of a mosque, temple or church? I will tell you though, one thing I do believe with all my heart is that none of the organized religions have it all right and boy are they gonna be disappointed when they're standing in the omnipotent presence and realize how far off they were. That thought always gives me a good giggle. The other thing that makes me laugh heartily besides the Jehova's Witnesses and the Mormons are the people that constantly ask me "Have you found Jesus yet?" I wasn't aware he was missing! And considering the high latino community I'm pretty sure I can find you a "Jesus" rather easily. But to answer this question, no I haven't found him because he wasn't missing in my world. Sorry to disappoint but I've never misplaced my faith, my car keys and my purse I lose on a regular basis but my faith I've never lost. But again what I believe is mine and not yours. Shouldn't a person's happiness and quality of life count more than anything to you rather than your need to conform them to your belief system? Please leave me out of your quest for self satisfaction as I am not even slightly interested in your recruiting mission. Stop trying your guerilla tactics with me by posting this stuff all over my websites. Please be considerate enough to realize that your beliefs are not mine and I have no wish to share.
Till next time faithful readers.......
Bex
I don't really have anything against organized religion. It's just not my choice. I'm not comfortable with the doctrines and teachings and I'm most definitely not ok with all the restrictions. If your God is such an all loving God than why all the rules? And don't you think that because times have changed we could come up with some more modern rules? There isn't anything in the 10 commandments about molesting children or smoking crack and beating your family half to death. Shouldn't this be in there somewhere? It has to be possible to update this stuff, I mean hell the Catholic church has changed it's stance on so much other crap through history repeatedly. I readily and whole heartedly admit that organized religion is excellent for some people BUT IT'S NOT FOR ALL PEOPLE!!!! Stop pushing your beliefs on me. I applaud your devotion and faith, I am happy that something good has happened in a positive direction for you. But just because it's good for some doesn't mean it's good for all. I have faith and devotion in my beliefs, maybe as much as you do in yours maybe not but you have never once seen me write about those beliefs because that is mine and I feel no reason at all to put that in the universe unless you ask me. I will never shove my beliefs down someone else's throat repeatedly just for the sake of being right. Who's to say which belief or religion is right? Is it up to you? Is it up to the priests? Ministers? Rabbi's? Shouldn't it be up to a higher power? And don't you think that a reasonable Higher Power would look at everyone and realize the good and evil within that person based on their soul and not what's written in a 2000 yr old novel? Don't you think an omnipotent Higher Power would appreciate a person speaking directly to them without feeling it necessary to enter some pretentiously decorated building? Why wouldn't the Higher Power be able to hear me outside of a mosque, temple or church? I will tell you though, one thing I do believe with all my heart is that none of the organized religions have it all right and boy are they gonna be disappointed when they're standing in the omnipotent presence and realize how far off they were. That thought always gives me a good giggle. The other thing that makes me laugh heartily besides the Jehova's Witnesses and the Mormons are the people that constantly ask me "Have you found Jesus yet?" I wasn't aware he was missing! And considering the high latino community I'm pretty sure I can find you a "Jesus" rather easily. But to answer this question, no I haven't found him because he wasn't missing in my world. Sorry to disappoint but I've never misplaced my faith, my car keys and my purse I lose on a regular basis but my faith I've never lost. But again what I believe is mine and not yours. Shouldn't a person's happiness and quality of life count more than anything to you rather than your need to conform them to your belief system? Please leave me out of your quest for self satisfaction as I am not even slightly interested in your recruiting mission. Stop trying your guerilla tactics with me by posting this stuff all over my websites. Please be considerate enough to realize that your beliefs are not mine and I have no wish to share.
Till next time faithful readers.......
Bex
Monday, September 20, 2010
as easy as breathing......
Just going to put this out in the universe, I am in a relationship. Lol, no I'm not joking so stop laughing. It's not generally the way that I operate, I'm more of a hit and run than a stay and love. This weekend was incredible and more fun than I've had in a long time. Being with him is as easy as breathing. There are no expectations and no limitations with him. I'd forgotten what that felt like with someone other than my small circle of brothers. Generally I keep everyone at a distance or only show them so much, no one besides Dave, Phill, Garcia and Ryan are allowed to see 100% of me. Somehow Frank managed to just crumble all of my defenses and walls just by existing. I spent an entire weekend in the most blissful state of contentment and easiness. I think allot of it does have to do with he and I knowing each other for so long. It was always bad timing between us and I honestly don't think it was meant to be till now. Everything flows very naturally between us and I can say that I am truly very happy. So if you notice that I'm a bit more twitterpatted than usual, you now know why. I am completely, totally in love with Frank.
Till next time faithful readers.........
Till next time faithful readers.........
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Leaving your shoes & borrowing a movie
I believe my life is just one moment in time or different scenes from a @Johncusack film. There are those self deprecating moments, those completely neurotic, this is an exposed me situations in life that are only shared by those that feel the same or those that recognize those moments. Most of those moments I associate with @Johncusack films or John Hughes Because I'm that much of an 80's kid. And that neurotic.
Well if you leave your shoes at my place, borrow one of my favorite movies, then try to hit me up for dinner at 2 AM then yes you want to come around again. And in my mind I see this ending 3 different "High Fidelity" ways. Except not in a pink satin shirt.
I associate my personality, my moods, my entire life to movies, music, and books that I love. It's an artistic, beautiful way of living when you have no talent to speak of or no talent that no one knows about. It's a "Breakfast Club, 16 Candles, Pretty In Pink, Grosse Point Blank, Say Anything, Serendipity, High Fidelity, War Inc, Ice Harvest" kinda thing. It's a Suicidal Tendencies, Morphine, Morrisey, Five Finger Death Punch, kinda thing.
Is our generation so bad that we associate all this by our media or is it just my inacknowledgment of my own feelings because it's easier to associate it with my generations media?
Bex
Well if you leave your shoes at my place, borrow one of my favorite movies, then try to hit me up for dinner at 2 AM then yes you want to come around again. And in my mind I see this ending 3 different "High Fidelity" ways. Except not in a pink satin shirt.
I associate my personality, my moods, my entire life to movies, music, and books that I love. It's an artistic, beautiful way of living when you have no talent to speak of or no talent that no one knows about. It's a "Breakfast Club, 16 Candles, Pretty In Pink, Grosse Point Blank, Say Anything, Serendipity, High Fidelity, War Inc, Ice Harvest" kinda thing. It's a Suicidal Tendencies, Morphine, Morrisey, Five Finger Death Punch, kinda thing.
Is our generation so bad that we associate all this by our media or is it just my inacknowledgment of my own feelings because it's easier to associate it with my generations media?
Bex
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Victor & Jack or why I want to date Sally!
Last week I posted a blog about my views possibly being wrong. Considering all that I've seen in the past week, I'm taking all of that back. Ok maybe it's not so much that I'm right as it is that your wrong. I've dated my fair share of women in the past and I've also dated my fair share of men. And out of those experiences I've come to realize 1 solid truth, men are fucking crazy. Honestly I can't keep up with the mood swings and constant change of personality. I've always contended that women in general were a bit nuts but now I realize it's such a manageable "crazy". It's easy, make them feel good about themselves, the relationship, surprise them with shiny things or flowers because you can, be there. That's it, that's all. In a world of constant soul crushing reality give them a taste of a fairy tale every now and again. How freakin easy is that?
Now here comes the part where I piss off a bunch of people.
Men always use the same cliche to describe their perfect mate. They all want a good girl with a bad girl streak. But when ever this chick appears the first thing they do is run away or pull a Mr. Hyde. Honestly I thought I was good at that trick but you guys put me to shame. Now for the sake of friendship we will use a couple of false names in our new and hypothetical situation. Our fickle friends shall be named Victor and Jack. Now Victor, I don't believe has quite a handle on himself or his own reality. Victor was in a relationship that was coming to an end because the woman had feelings for a friend that she had a past with and wouldn't end the friendship. Victor in a twist of fate, ended up doing the same exact thing but never came to the realization(until he reads this)that in fact he had done the same exact thing except she didn't ask him to end the friendship. News flash: you can't be pissed and weepy about something then turn around and do the same exact thing! It's called hypocrisy look it up. Victor is under the delusion constantly that "Happily ever after" exists in some pretty little bad decision tied up with a straight jacket bow. I hate to say it but in my experience that old saying "you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself" is quite true. I have destroyed relationships because I hated who I was at the time. Victor is strangely co-dependent considering how strong a personality he is. Very pushy about his ideas and thoughts on how things should be.
Let's move on to Jack for a moment. Jack is the definition of fickle. He can't figure out what he wants, when he wants it or what "it" is exactly. The only constant about Jack is his ability to be inconsistent. Jack will profess love and the desire to have a relationship only after the hour of 2 am and usually an 18 pack. Of course we are all thinking the same thing, Jack wants to get laid. Yeah, I think that's part of it. However after quite some time putting serious thought and a bit of my useless education to work, I've developed a theory. See Jack is almost too blind to see how wonderful Halloweentown can be so he discovers Christmastown and is completely sidetracked by the shininess of it. Only to discover that what he was looking for was right in front of him all along waiting for him to rediscover how shiny he truly was inside. Our Jack only has the nerve to face his feelings when there's alcohol involved because that's the only time his defenses are down. Instead of grabbing the opportunity that love has given him he will find a dumb ass excuse to run from it only to run right back to it when the beer induced epiphany slaps him in the face AGAIN, for the hundredth damn time.
Both Victor and Jack have had the opportunity. But life with me is much like Thunderdome, 2 men enter 1 man leaves.
Victor claims he doesn't like chaos in any way shape or form. Yet here I am all Chaos and Candy. Sweet and unpredictable. Will I change that? Not on your fucking life!!
Jack wants Sally only on his terms. Conform? NEVER!!
I will not ever in my life be someone's housewife, I will not settle for being someone's convenient part time love. I am happy, stable, comfortable and confident in my own skin, my heart and my own world. I would like to share it with someone, yes but who wouldn't? Only serious Tim Burton characters or silly muppet's need apply!
Bex
Now here comes the part where I piss off a bunch of people.
Men always use the same cliche to describe their perfect mate. They all want a good girl with a bad girl streak. But when ever this chick appears the first thing they do is run away or pull a Mr. Hyde. Honestly I thought I was good at that trick but you guys put me to shame. Now for the sake of friendship we will use a couple of false names in our new and hypothetical situation. Our fickle friends shall be named Victor and Jack. Now Victor, I don't believe has quite a handle on himself or his own reality. Victor was in a relationship that was coming to an end because the woman had feelings for a friend that she had a past with and wouldn't end the friendship. Victor in a twist of fate, ended up doing the same exact thing but never came to the realization(until he reads this)that in fact he had done the same exact thing except she didn't ask him to end the friendship. News flash: you can't be pissed and weepy about something then turn around and do the same exact thing! It's called hypocrisy look it up. Victor is under the delusion constantly that "Happily ever after" exists in some pretty little bad decision tied up with a straight jacket bow. I hate to say it but in my experience that old saying "you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself" is quite true. I have destroyed relationships because I hated who I was at the time. Victor is strangely co-dependent considering how strong a personality he is. Very pushy about his ideas and thoughts on how things should be.
Let's move on to Jack for a moment. Jack is the definition of fickle. He can't figure out what he wants, when he wants it or what "it" is exactly. The only constant about Jack is his ability to be inconsistent. Jack will profess love and the desire to have a relationship only after the hour of 2 am and usually an 18 pack. Of course we are all thinking the same thing, Jack wants to get laid. Yeah, I think that's part of it. However after quite some time putting serious thought and a bit of my useless education to work, I've developed a theory. See Jack is almost too blind to see how wonderful Halloweentown can be so he discovers Christmastown and is completely sidetracked by the shininess of it. Only to discover that what he was looking for was right in front of him all along waiting for him to rediscover how shiny he truly was inside. Our Jack only has the nerve to face his feelings when there's alcohol involved because that's the only time his defenses are down. Instead of grabbing the opportunity that love has given him he will find a dumb ass excuse to run from it only to run right back to it when the beer induced epiphany slaps him in the face AGAIN, for the hundredth damn time.
Both Victor and Jack have had the opportunity. But life with me is much like Thunderdome, 2 men enter 1 man leaves.
Victor claims he doesn't like chaos in any way shape or form. Yet here I am all Chaos and Candy. Sweet and unpredictable. Will I change that? Not on your fucking life!!
Jack wants Sally only on his terms. Conform? NEVER!!
I will not ever in my life be someone's housewife, I will not settle for being someone's convenient part time love. I am happy, stable, comfortable and confident in my own skin, my heart and my own world. I would like to share it with someone, yes but who wouldn't? Only serious Tim Burton characters or silly muppet's need apply!
Bex
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Hhhmmmm, maybe I had that wrong
Spent a few days in some true emotional turmoil over choices to be made. Having to choose between quite a few things such as family, jobs, friends, more than friends. Choosing a path is always the hardest for me. Once the decision is made I'm fabulous but deciding always creates a bit of drama in my already chaotic existence. I had to take some time to consider what's been happening lately and that's when I realized that it's really not up to me completely. Yes I have free will, I can go anytime I choose to pack my bags. However if I do that I cause more damage than I'm trying to prevent. My stepdad is in the hospital with a broken back and a nasty brain bleed that's not seemingly getting any better and they can't work on his back till they fix his back. They aren't even sure if he's going to get better. My mom is a mess. I can't up and run away and leave her alone not during this. There's allot of animosity between us but I won't make her mistakes. I won't jet out on my family when they need me.
Things between me and Brian aren't good either. I realize it will take allot of time to heal our perspective hurts. But I feel that I leave now I'm abandoning him. He will see it as me running off and leaving him when that's not the case but it will cause the rift between us to become a bottomless chasm. I think he has to see me become stable again so that we can begin healing. If I leave that chance will disappear.
I used a job as an excuse to want to flee this place but really it comes down to my inability to face certain things. I can find work here and I will when I'm ready. I think I need to take some time to do some self evaluation and pull myself together. I've been allowed to run free for too long with little to no consequence and it's affected my personality too much. Time to pull it together and get my head on straight again. But this time I think I'll accept the help offered and maybe realizing that I don't have to go it alone will help with allot of that insecurity. Or it will throw me completely off the edge, lol but ya never know till you try and my motto has always been try everything twice before you pass judgment.
Maybe I was wrong on some of my views and wrong about some of my lifestyle rules. I say maybe I was wrong because I want to believe I was but my mind hasn't weighed in on all the facts yet. I am slowly coming around to the fact that maybe not everything I believe to be true is in fact true. I've been very careful to not let people in to my life and very careful to keep the ones that come for brief visits at arms length. I've always been very open with my trust issues. But faithful readers I've also been a total hypocrite. I bitch about people laying the cause of all their problems on past issues and not owning it on personal responsibility when in essence I've done the same thing. Yes my trust issues are from a very justifiable place in my past but instead of owning it enough to fix it I own it enough to justify pushing people away. Instead of working on it I just avoid the situation entirely. That can't have been healthy for my already screwy little brain. I'm going to attempt to fix that. That's enough playing in my head for today, it's exhausting.
Till next time,
bex
Things between me and Brian aren't good either. I realize it will take allot of time to heal our perspective hurts. But I feel that I leave now I'm abandoning him. He will see it as me running off and leaving him when that's not the case but it will cause the rift between us to become a bottomless chasm. I think he has to see me become stable again so that we can begin healing. If I leave that chance will disappear.
I used a job as an excuse to want to flee this place but really it comes down to my inability to face certain things. I can find work here and I will when I'm ready. I think I need to take some time to do some self evaluation and pull myself together. I've been allowed to run free for too long with little to no consequence and it's affected my personality too much. Time to pull it together and get my head on straight again. But this time I think I'll accept the help offered and maybe realizing that I don't have to go it alone will help with allot of that insecurity. Or it will throw me completely off the edge, lol but ya never know till you try and my motto has always been try everything twice before you pass judgment.
Maybe I was wrong on some of my views and wrong about some of my lifestyle rules. I say maybe I was wrong because I want to believe I was but my mind hasn't weighed in on all the facts yet. I am slowly coming around to the fact that maybe not everything I believe to be true is in fact true. I've been very careful to not let people in to my life and very careful to keep the ones that come for brief visits at arms length. I've always been very open with my trust issues. But faithful readers I've also been a total hypocrite. I bitch about people laying the cause of all their problems on past issues and not owning it on personal responsibility when in essence I've done the same thing. Yes my trust issues are from a very justifiable place in my past but instead of owning it enough to fix it I own it enough to justify pushing people away. Instead of working on it I just avoid the situation entirely. That can't have been healthy for my already screwy little brain. I'm going to attempt to fix that. That's enough playing in my head for today, it's exhausting.
Till next time,
bex
Monday, September 6, 2010
Things I like Allot!!
I've done this before but feel the need to go and do it again, lol.
I like fresh fruit salad, actually I love it. I like rainy and cold days so I can be in sweats snuggled on the couch watching epic movies. I love coffee! Love it love it love it!! I'm a total entertainment whore. E!, TMZ, Access Hollywood, all those shows about celebrities love them! I love soccer, Manchester United of course! I secretly love Brittany Spears and country music. I love my Chuck Taylor Converse but hate that I can't wear them in the winter. I love flying. I love the beach. I love bloody mary's on the porch with Dave. I love coloring my hair (think I'll do that today) I love baking. I love nail polish. I love anything from the 80's!! I love SUV's.
Most of all I love all of guy's and I love how you make everyday feel like kindergarten or christmas morning. I love to see you smile, love to hear you laugh and love that so many of you have shared my journey. I love that you guys don't let me get too cocky and I love that your there to dry my tears and love that you don't let me wallow in self pity for too long. Lmao, I loved that Phill came and made me go to the punk show because he knew it would cheer me up even though he hates live music! What I'm trying to say is that I love all of you and I don't think I say it enough. So most of all, out of all the things I love, I love you the most!
Bex
I like fresh fruit salad, actually I love it. I like rainy and cold days so I can be in sweats snuggled on the couch watching epic movies. I love coffee! Love it love it love it!! I'm a total entertainment whore. E!, TMZ, Access Hollywood, all those shows about celebrities love them! I love soccer, Manchester United of course! I secretly love Brittany Spears and country music. I love my Chuck Taylor Converse but hate that I can't wear them in the winter. I love flying. I love the beach. I love bloody mary's on the porch with Dave. I love coloring my hair (think I'll do that today) I love baking. I love nail polish. I love anything from the 80's!! I love SUV's.
Most of all I love all of guy's and I love how you make everyday feel like kindergarten or christmas morning. I love to see you smile, love to hear you laugh and love that so many of you have shared my journey. I love that you guys don't let me get too cocky and I love that your there to dry my tears and love that you don't let me wallow in self pity for too long. Lmao, I loved that Phill came and made me go to the punk show because he knew it would cheer me up even though he hates live music! What I'm trying to say is that I love all of you and I don't think I say it enough. So most of all, out of all the things I love, I love you the most!
Bex
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Emotional Conundrum
Met up with someone from my past recently. Of course the first time we hang together I pulled a meltdown. See, this person intimidates me so my first knee jerk reaction is meltdown and see if he comes back or just writes me off for being a mess. He came back but I'm not sure that's a good thing for either one of us. He brought his kids over to hang with mine and they had a great time, I really enjoyed having them here. Those 3 have some cool ass energy and I could so get into trouble with them. They were just awesome, loved them totally without even thinking about it just came naturally like breathing. The only time I've ever done that is Dave's girls. Must be something about the chaotic number of 3.
So back to the issue. He's with someone and thinks it's close to ending but I keep bouncing between my own ego and how I really feel about this. On one hand there's some chick in the world that has what I want, but do I want it for the right reasons or do I want it for the simple fact that someone has what I want? I don't think it's because this is a past thing. Yes I've always wondered what happened to him and I've always tried looking for him but it's not an "unfinished business" thing. I know that for sure. In the past I knew we weren't on the same page so I walked away on my own. I had to because I was too chaotic and restless and I knew that wasn't what he was looking for. So I backed out and adventured across the universe but he's always been in the back of my mind. Now....now, now I don't know. Often I can look at my actions and emotions from an outside perspective but not on this and it confuses me. I'm too close to this one to judge. So here's my best guess on what I'm feeling. I love him. I always have and probably always will. But with all my craziness should I put him in that mix and take my chances or do the noble thing again and just walk away from those feelings, just remain friends? What is the right decision? I suck at this shit!!! I know what I want in my life but I also know me. I'm unpredictable, slightly crazy, totally emotionally chaotic, but loving, loyal and honest. Do I run the risk and take the chance, run the full spectrum of my charm to get what I want consequences be damned or run? I ran once and don't feel that was the best choice ever but do admit that without that I wouldn't be half the person I am today. Ok, not the greatest person but I do have my endearing qualities such as the already mentioned loyalty, honesty and undying love. Is it enough to see me through? As I said this is not my comfortable spot. I prefer more black and white situations, anything concerning my turbulent emotions is immediately distrusted. Jesus, it's easier to run from this shit!!
Confused and confounded faithful readers. You give me an answer.....
So back to the issue. He's with someone and thinks it's close to ending but I keep bouncing between my own ego and how I really feel about this. On one hand there's some chick in the world that has what I want, but do I want it for the right reasons or do I want it for the simple fact that someone has what I want? I don't think it's because this is a past thing. Yes I've always wondered what happened to him and I've always tried looking for him but it's not an "unfinished business" thing. I know that for sure. In the past I knew we weren't on the same page so I walked away on my own. I had to because I was too chaotic and restless and I knew that wasn't what he was looking for. So I backed out and adventured across the universe but he's always been in the back of my mind. Now....now, now I don't know. Often I can look at my actions and emotions from an outside perspective but not on this and it confuses me. I'm too close to this one to judge. So here's my best guess on what I'm feeling. I love him. I always have and probably always will. But with all my craziness should I put him in that mix and take my chances or do the noble thing again and just walk away from those feelings, just remain friends? What is the right decision? I suck at this shit!!! I know what I want in my life but I also know me. I'm unpredictable, slightly crazy, totally emotionally chaotic, but loving, loyal and honest. Do I run the risk and take the chance, run the full spectrum of my charm to get what I want consequences be damned or run? I ran once and don't feel that was the best choice ever but do admit that without that I wouldn't be half the person I am today. Ok, not the greatest person but I do have my endearing qualities such as the already mentioned loyalty, honesty and undying love. Is it enough to see me through? As I said this is not my comfortable spot. I prefer more black and white situations, anything concerning my turbulent emotions is immediately distrusted. Jesus, it's easier to run from this shit!!
Confused and confounded faithful readers. You give me an answer.....
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