Spent a few days in some true emotional turmoil over choices to be made. Having to choose between quite a few things such as family, jobs, friends, more than friends. Choosing a path is always the hardest for me. Once the decision is made I'm fabulous but deciding always creates a bit of drama in my already chaotic existence. I had to take some time to consider what's been happening lately and that's when I realized that it's really not up to me completely. Yes I have free will, I can go anytime I choose to pack my bags. However if I do that I cause more damage than I'm trying to prevent. My stepdad is in the hospital with a broken back and a nasty brain bleed that's not seemingly getting any better and they can't work on his back till they fix his back. They aren't even sure if he's going to get better. My mom is a mess. I can't up and run away and leave her alone not during this. There's allot of animosity between us but I won't make her mistakes. I won't jet out on my family when they need me.
Things between me and Brian aren't good either. I realize it will take allot of time to heal our perspective hurts. But I feel that I leave now I'm abandoning him. He will see it as me running off and leaving him when that's not the case but it will cause the rift between us to become a bottomless chasm. I think he has to see me become stable again so that we can begin healing. If I leave that chance will disappear.
I used a job as an excuse to want to flee this place but really it comes down to my inability to face certain things. I can find work here and I will when I'm ready. I think I need to take some time to do some self evaluation and pull myself together. I've been allowed to run free for too long with little to no consequence and it's affected my personality too much. Time to pull it together and get my head on straight again. But this time I think I'll accept the help offered and maybe realizing that I don't have to go it alone will help with allot of that insecurity. Or it will throw me completely off the edge, lol but ya never know till you try and my motto has always been try everything twice before you pass judgment.
Maybe I was wrong on some of my views and wrong about some of my lifestyle rules. I say maybe I was wrong because I want to believe I was but my mind hasn't weighed in on all the facts yet. I am slowly coming around to the fact that maybe not everything I believe to be true is in fact true. I've been very careful to not let people in to my life and very careful to keep the ones that come for brief visits at arms length. I've always been very open with my trust issues. But faithful readers I've also been a total hypocrite. I bitch about people laying the cause of all their problems on past issues and not owning it on personal responsibility when in essence I've done the same thing. Yes my trust issues are from a very justifiable place in my past but instead of owning it enough to fix it I own it enough to justify pushing people away. Instead of working on it I just avoid the situation entirely. That can't have been healthy for my already screwy little brain. I'm going to attempt to fix that. That's enough playing in my head for today, it's exhausting.
Till next time,
bex
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