There are times when everything is going pretty damn good for me but everyone else seems to crumble. Believe it or not it makes me feel guilty beyond measure. It just doesn't seem right to watch good things happen to yourself while watching the people closest to you go through bullshit. But in the same token, a lot of what they go through is really of their own creation. I have never given my friends any crap about their relationships, even when I know it's going to end badly or I see that it's not the healthiest thing for them. I don't say anything because it's not really my place to. Just because I don't care for their significant other doesn't mean I can trespass over the friendship boundaries. And I'm not willing to create an animosity between friends over something stupid. One of the things that pisses me off is that it always comes down to a friends significant other throwing out the ultimatum that they can't hang out with me. Yes it bothers me immensely to not be close to my friends but if it makes their life easier then so be it.
With that being said, let's move to the dilemma at hand. I have 2 friends that are lashing out at me because I'm in a relationship now. They each swear up and down that they aren't lashing out at me however when you text message someone things like "Whore" and "Once you realize your never gonna get the girl u stop feeling the need to put things softly." yea dude that IS lashing out. When you constantly ask if my new boyfriend has screwed up yet, it IS lashing out. When you know I'm hurting over a situation and you come at me with both barrel's firing in my direction, that IS lashing out. It doesn't matter if it's what you intend to do it is what your doing. And now I feel like an asshole for thinking that I would get the same respect that I have given in the past and for thinking that our friendship was sacred. I'm not going to sit by with my mouth closed while they passively/ aggresively attack me. No way. I will not take that shit from anyone. Either our friendship means enough to you that you will stop or it doesn't and you will exit my life stage left. It's that easy. I will not make this choice, I will not be forced into choosing between my best friend and the man I love. You will make this choice. I've gone through this so many times for various reasons, having to walk away from my best friend and each time it has hurt me and taken a little bit away from me but we always seem to come back together. But I'm not looking for that this time. This relationship is very important to me and if you can't set aside your feelings to be supportive of an important thing in your best friends life then I guess your not a best friend are you?
Lashing out at me is not the answer. I am not at fault for how you feel inside. Own your feelings don't push off responsibility on me. I'm not standing over you with a gun saying "feel these feelings or die." I'm sorry that it hurts you and I'm sorry for my indirect participation in that. And I'm sorry for any insecurity you feel in our friendship because of me. I do put my best friends in a very awkward position because I do count on them to hold me together and babysit my life because it's generally a fearsome wreck. I put a lot of responsibility on their shoulders both physically and emotionally. Being my best friend is tough. Maybe that's why I find men of strength to fill that position in my life because I know they are strong enough to take my emotional turmoil. I am not an easy person to love at all. And I am very needy. But whether or not I'm seeing someone, I will ALWAYS need my best friends. I will always need my guys to be there because it takes more than one person to hold me together lol. They are my brothers, each one of them. They will always hold a special place in my life that no one else can touch because they have been there through the good and traumatic times. We've shared epic laughs and tears we never thought would end. We've spiraled out of control together and made our dreams come true together. These guys are my family. Ryan, Garcia, Phill, Dave. I can not express the amount of respect and love I have for these guys. So when one of them acts out at me because their feelings are hurt it destroys me. But I will not take responsibility for someone else's feelings. This is not my fault. Nor will I continue to feel as if I have to walk on egg shells or feel as if I have to hide my own feelings for your sake. I can't apologize for falling in love with someone. True that none of us saw this coming, c'mon I don't even date! But it has happened just as it's happened to each one of them. Be supportive, be my friend, be there for me to freak out on, continue our saga together as always or don't. But nothing is going to keep me from walking the path that I have chosen for myself. I feel as if I finally fit somewhere, like I finally found where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be with. Don't take this feeling away from me by belittling it.
Till next time faithful readers,
Bex
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