Emotional Conundrum

Met up with someone from my past recently. Of course the first time we hang together I pulled a meltdown. See, this person intimidates me so my first knee jerk reaction is meltdown and see if he comes back or just writes me off for being a mess. He came back but I'm not sure that's a good thing for either one of us. He brought his kids over to hang with mine and they had a great time, I really enjoyed having them here. Those 3 have some cool ass energy and I could so get into trouble with them. They were just awesome, loved them totally without even thinking about it just came naturally like breathing. The only time I've ever done that is Dave's girls. Must be something about the chaotic number of 3.

So back to the issue. He's with someone and thinks it's close to ending but I keep bouncing between my own ego and how I really feel about this. On one hand there's some chick in the world that has what I want, but do I want it for the right reasons or do I want it for the simple fact that someone has what I want? I don't think it's because this is a past thing. Yes I've always wondered what happened to him and I've always tried looking for him but it's not an "unfinished business" thing. I know that for sure. In the past I knew we weren't on the same page so I walked away on my own. I had to because I was too chaotic and restless and I knew that wasn't what he was looking for. So I backed out and adventured across the universe but he's always been in the back of my mind. Now....now, now I don't know. Often I can look at my actions and emotions from an outside perspective but not on this and it confuses me. I'm too close to this one to judge. So here's my best guess on what I'm feeling. I love him. I always have and probably always will. But with all my craziness should I put him in that mix and take my chances or do the noble thing again and just walk away from those feelings, just remain friends? What is the right decision? I suck at this shit!!! I know what I want in my life but I also know me. I'm unpredictable, slightly crazy, totally emotionally chaotic, but loving, loyal and honest. Do I run the risk and take the chance, run the full spectrum of my charm to get what I want consequences be damned or run? I ran once and don't feel that was the best choice ever but do admit that without that I wouldn't be half the person I am today. Ok, not the greatest person but I do have my endearing qualities such as the already mentioned loyalty, honesty and undying love. Is it enough to see me through? As I said this is not my comfortable spot. I prefer more black and white situations, anything concerning my turbulent emotions is immediately distrusted. Jesus, it's easier to run from this shit!!

Confused and confounded faithful readers. You give me an answer.....