I've gone through Hell in the past 7 days. Damn it's only been a week, feels like forever has passed! I've sobbed and I've stayed in bed crying for a day not talking with anyone. I've raged and I've lashed out, I've pretended to smile and laugh with my guys, pretended that I was alright when inside it felt as if a hole had been ripped open where my heart once was. I've grieved and tortured myself and cried some more. Once I started crying the tears wouldn't stop, all day I layed in bed and the tears wouldn't end until my eyes were so swollen that no more tears could escape.
Today. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I woke up, had coffee, showered, dyed my hair, got dressed and put on my makeup. I made myself get up and be myself. I made my bed and cleaned the apartment. I made myself feel and I feel ok. It still hurts beyond all words and the hole where my heart was is still empty of anything but pain. But I figured out that each day there will be a reminder but to get past it and keep marching along.
I can't let the loss keep knocking the wind out of me. I have to get up and keep going because that's what I do.
The truth is that I haven't been myself for 6 months, not wholly me. I conformed to what he wanted and/or liked. I was completely in love with Tony and now it's over.
Every day will be a trial but every day I will take one step and another and another.
I will smile and laugh with out faking it. I will be me, every day.
Till Next Time, Faithful Readers,
BEX
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