Didn't need an epiphany because I was bitch slapped by reality

As predicted, Tony pulled a disappearing act and then lied to me about it. Tried pulling the whole "talk in circles until their too confused to go on" trick on me not realizing that I perfected that particular trick. Anyhow long story very short, he's gone again. Not sad about it because I knew it would happen, come on give me some credit for being an intelligent, slightly empathetic, educated human being! No the whole part that pissed me right off was that 2 people that were my closest buddies, lied for him and tried covering for him. He knew what the consequences of his actions would be because he was told the 2 rules as soon as he walked through my door. If at 41 years old you can not take responsibility for your actions than you are a sorry human being and obviously not worth my love, my time, my consideration, my energy, my empathy and definitely not my sympathy.

No the 2 buddies that lied straight to my face, that hurt. And what's worse, is that none of us saw that coming. That little betrayal will not go by the wayside.

But enough about that, bottom line I am fine. I was very correct in my assumption that going down someone else's path would kill me. I need a partner in life and my adventures not someone that I have to babysit and care for constantly. Someone that doesn't want my way or your way but our way.

Started getting back to normal life this week, have to get back into my routine because right now it's been kind of chaotic. Have 2 birthdays, a wedding and school starting all in a week!! AAAHHHHH!!!!! Oh but it will be so sweet when school is back in session, lol!

Ok unless something completely off the wall happens (knock on wood, say a prayer) I will be returning to my usual satirical bloggings this week.

Till next time Faithful Readers,
BEX

Weird dreams, epiphany, emotions

Last night I had a dream that I drove off a cliff in a car with a friend. Your always told that you will not remember landing or that you will wake up before you land. Well, Faithful Readers I am here to tell you that, this is bullshit. I dreamt of falling and I hit the ground and I recognized that I was dead.

My interpretation is that if I follow someone else's path I die. Figuratively or really? I don't know faithful readers.


Tony is back. Was this the right choice? I ask that every day. I know that there were 2 people that did not let me fall in the hole that he condemns himself to. Can I fix him, No. I Can't fix me. Can I help him through this, maybe. Just like other people carried me, maybe I can do the same. Maybe I can make up for the Strawberry Shortcake issue that I have or maybe I can make his life better? Maybe Tony came home because of a self realization? Or maybe I was convenient? But what we do in this life is the greatest acts of forgiveness and love. Maybe this is my lesson in trust. Or maybe this is my lesson in what will come to me if if I trust in someone. This is my lesson and I don't know where it will bring me, but I do know that it's a lesson.

"One can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
Lewis Caroll

Till next time Faithful Readers,

BEX

Tony or how my Fairytale ended

It's no big lie. Been going through a really emotional time in the past 4 weeks trying to get over me and Tony splitting up. Today, after many texts and conversations tony finally came to see me. I thought I was emotionally fortified for this. Yep, not so much. He always acts like a bad used car salesman and I always fall for the "look I'm ignorant" act, but not today. I acted strong through his let's be friends shpiel. I sobbed after I heard the door shut. But I did text him that after all those conversations and texts I had hoped he had come to be a grown up, discovered drugs were bad and that he wasted a good opportunity to lead a successful life and wanted to come home. He said he was going to come back and I waited and.............


In the mean time, something only 3 people knew came back to my oldest son mysteriously. And he hates me for something that wasn't intentional, quite the opposite, I meant to keep that which wasn't intentional and was quite happy in that decision. It was stress and an accident.

on top of this, yeah it hurt to see Tony today. More than you can imagine. Even more to keep the hurt in and not cry in front of him.

Jesus, when does this get easier???? I'm so over this constant pain. This much loss all at once, I think I'm passed one and another pops up.

I had so hoped that I was wrong through all of this and for one time in life I was right. I don't want to be right because it hurts too much to be right.

Evidently Tony found drugs or something else to lose himself in and this wasn't as important as I thought it was to fix.....what does that say about me????

BECKY

Why? Things that make no sense to me at all

Okay so it's been awhile since my last post and I apologize. Haven't really been in the mood to write as I've had some things that I needed to work through. Which segues into today's topic quite nicely. There are things in this world that I just don't understand at all. Been trying to figure out how to deal with this recent break up and of course everyone has an opinion. One of the funnier ones belongs to Joe, his theory is "fuck your way past it". Yep. Joe believes that you pack your life full of as much meaningless sex as possible until your past the break up. I don't fully understand how being a whore helps an emotional wound but it's Joe so I smiled and nodded. Terry and Dave are of the "stay drunk for as long as possible" school of thought. Which isn't a bad school of thought, that is until the hangover hits at which point your sick and miserable. And all 3 of them have deemed that I am not to be left alone for extended periods of time which is sweet but annoying. Finally made a break for it and got some "Me" time in.

Which leads me to the next thing I don't understand at all. After watching quite a few movies in the past few days I've discovered that scientists are dumb. In every movie involving alien life forms, there are 10 people screaming to NOT bring said life form back to the A) heavily populated science center or B) the heavily populated science center located on the spaceship that is our only means of escape. And then there's one scientist that pulls rank and brings the damn thing back to either A or B after it's wiped out a town, colony, massive spaceship,planet. WTF?? Why don't the ten screaming people knock out the scientist, thus thwarting the impending doom?? Why?? I think I hate alien movies now.

In the news today is a story about a research ship that was studying these 4 sharks when out of no where a 10ft Great White breached and landed his 1100lb ass on the ship. After fighting to keep the shark alive because they couldn't get it off the boat, they got some help and used a crane to remove it. 1/2 hour later they found the same shark, stuck on land! So they fought to keep it alive AGAIN and towed it out to open water. At some point you have to ask "why"?? The shark may have lost it's will to live or it was Darwin's theory of only the strongest species survives, either way at some point after "why" you just need to walk away.

Well faithful readers, I have to get going and accomplish something. Promise that I'll write again soon, thanks for sticking with me through all this!
Till Next Time,
BEX

Canales in Liverpool

Boycott Canale's restaurant in Liverpool as they refused to donate even a lunch for 4 Marines on funeral detail that have to pay for expenses out of pocket. Manager said it "Wasn't their problem" WTF????

Who treats our soldiers that way??

Fucking disgusting!
BEX

First Day

I've gone through Hell in the past 7 days. Damn it's only been a week, feels like forever has passed! I've sobbed and I've stayed in bed crying for a day not talking with anyone. I've raged and I've lashed out, I've pretended to smile and laugh with my guys, pretended that I was alright when inside it felt as if a hole had been ripped open where my heart once was. I've grieved and tortured myself and cried some more. Once I started crying the tears wouldn't stop, all day I layed in bed and the tears wouldn't end until my eyes were so swollen that no more tears could escape.

Today. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I woke up, had coffee, showered, dyed my hair, got dressed and put on my makeup. I made myself get up and be myself. I made my bed and cleaned the apartment. I made myself feel and I feel ok. It still hurts beyond all words and the hole where my heart was is still empty of anything but pain. But I figured out that each day there will be a reminder but to get past it and keep marching along.

I can't let the loss keep knocking the wind out of me. I have to get up and keep going because that's what I do.

The truth is that I haven't been myself for 6 months, not wholly me. I conformed to what he wanted and/or liked. I was completely in love with Tony and now it's over.

Every day will be a trial but every day I will take one step and another and another.
I will smile and laugh with out faking it. I will be me, every day.

Till Next Time, Faithful Readers,
BEX

Who needs sitcoms, watch the News!!

This all just happened in the past hour of me watching CNN and our local NBC affiliate, channel 3 WSTM.

Seen on ch 3 WSTM, Ticker for the current story: "President Obese to visit Troops at Ft. Drum"
Is that Obama's new secret alter ego/identity?? Obama is bad enough, now we have President Obese to deal with!!

On CNN: "France to pull troops out of Afghanistan."

Wait......France has troops in Afghanistan?
Wait......France has troops!?!?

"Police find Jackass star Ryan Dunn was drunk and speeding when killed in car accident."
Nothing peculiar there until the next line "Westboro Baptist Church plans protest at Ryan Dunn's funeral."
Uuuuummmm.......They get their asses handed to them protesting Military funerals, this is a funeral for a star from JACKASS!! Has no one in the congregation seen this show or movies?? They tortured each other and they were all BFF's what do you think these guys are going to do to the Westboro peeps??? Plus the Jackass guys are all crushed over losing a brother! Westboro, please rethink this protest for your own good.

"Pilot rant caught on open mic."
Usually I'd put in an acronym however this time, screw it....LAUGHED MY FUCKING ASS OFF!!!! This is more awkward than speaking loudly and the music stops. Went on a rant about "Gays, Grannies and Grandes" WTF is a Grande?? I thought it was a cup of coffee!

"Lady GaGa in Tokyo to help boost tourism"
After the radiation scares in Japan, is Lady GaGa the face you want associated with your city? And after all the radiation scares do we want Lady GaGa any where near this place? Am I the only one to ever read a comic book? This is a Stan Lee comic waiting to go wrong or worse yet a new take on Godzilla (which I'd be cool with if it doesn't have Matt Broderick in it)

"Amish man caught sexting a minor, asked for sex in his buggy."
WTF??? WOW, I got nothing on that one.

"Longtime FBI fugitive James 'Whitey' Bulger nabbed"
It took us less time to catch a terrorist half way around the World than it did to catch a criminal in our own Country. ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Too funny.

"Lindsay Lohan tests positive for alcohol on house arrest and is called back to Court."
Why is anyone surprised? Why is this news? Why haven't we found a way to deport her somewhere? It's like Bin Ladens body, we can't find a Nation to take it, oops her.

"Winklevoss twins finally drop case against Facebook"
Is it me or does Winklevoss or Winklevii, sound like either a disease or a doctor from 1940's Germany that you REALLY do not want practicing on you. Save your money twins and buy a new name.

Ok so that struck me as funny this morning.

Be Safe Be Well and Till next time Faithful Readers,
BEX