There are certain things in the Bex Universe that seep in and proceed to make me crazy. Things that just come in and devastate me on an emotional level. I do not handle stress at ALL. Not even remotely. I tend to implode when ever I get more than 1 stressor at a time and if I get multiple hits at once, forget it I'm gonna lose it.
As most know Bella The Blazer blew her motor. I've been talking with the garage all along and suddenly this morning at 8 am I get a phone call from them saying they need half the money now. *SIGH* of course they do, it's a long month and my money doesn't come till the 27th.
Still waiting to hear back from my lawyer on the case of wether or not I still owe a months rent here at the apartment. I did the math from the payment history against my receipts and by my calculations I've over paid $380 in the past year. But I've been known to be wrong and Murphy is paying very close attention to me lately, so we will see but honestly can't deal with that today.
My egg donor called bright and early to inform me that my son, Ian is suffering from dry skin. He spent the weekend with her and she noticed that his hands and feet are very dry. So the entire purpose behind her call was to make sure that I understand that I have to watch him get out of the shower and immediately put on lotion. Uuuummmm, no, He's 11. Ian meanwhile this morning decided to pull the "it's raining and grandma never made me go to school in the rain" game with me, then started the fake coughing through the apartment routine. Little does he realize I already played the anti-brainwashing game with B when he would go to his grandparents for the weekend, so I am immune to these silly little ploys.
And my whole plan was to spend a nice weekend all alone with my boyfriend, with whom I have had 0 alone time. Huge backfire on that one. I was led down the wrong path by my own self destructive inability to communicate effectively, oh and Budweiser too. There are times when being me is quite painful, most times it's good but the painful points are quite painful. See, living in Bex Universe is committing to living in an environment ruled by emotion. Pure, unadulterated emotion. Don't think, just feel. However sometimes my need to understand every little aspect of my life tries to take control of the emotional and in that one moment, Bex Universe explodes into Chaos (bad kind, not candy coated). I have to know what my boundaries are at all times and if there's a conflict that turns my black and white world into gray, it will spiral me down a bad path of constant over analyzing of every minute detail until I drive myself crazy. I can't just blindly accept a situation, it has to be drawn out in detail for me to be comfortable in it. In a 36 year life span, peppered with so many uncertainties and uncontrollable chaotic situations, I have to maintain a constant control of the Universe that I have created for myself. Maybe that's one of the biggest problems, that I have to maintain an iron grip of control on my world. It doesn't allow for allot of breathing room but I'm at a loss as to how to loosen that grip. For the first time in a very long time I have my mundane life in order and I'm terrified of losing that again. But at the same time, I have zero control on my own emotional world. As Dave just put it so succinctly, my iron grip on this situation is an iron grip on sand. I have a very distinct pattern of blowing up a situation if it's not on my terms, it hurts I get over it and go find a situation that I can control but that never makes me happy either. I need to figure out a way to just accept and live with not being in control, a way that will not trigger every single one of my ingrained defenses and make me implode. But by doing that I will open up my world to a certain amount of chaos that is not manufactured and maintained by me. It's all too complicated and uncertain and those are two things I hate. It's all just a huge recipe for disaster, however I love a good lost cause lol.
Ok enough crawling around in my head, it's dark and dusty in there.
Till next time Faithful Readers,
BEX
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