Today started with feeling sorry for myself. And then....
I started thinking. I started thinking a lot and I put on a movie for background noise. I put in Fight Club. Now that really got me thinking.
Yes the past few weeks have been emotionally turbulent but do you know what this is? It's a lesson as with all things of great difficulty in life. I've learned from it and now I'm discarding it. It's called the past because it's past you.
I'm ready for an adventure. I just narrowly escaped a fate that isn't mine. I had a near life experience and now I want adventures. I want to step outside and breathe the Autumn air and know that with forever ahead of me there are endless possibilities. I'm Becky and I can do whatever my little heart desires! I almost forgot how much fun it is to be me. You all should've slapped me! I am going out for drinks tonight with friends and this weekend if all goes as I hope, I'll chill with a buddy I haven't seen in a while and go catch one of my favorite bands. And if those plans fall through, I will go find something else because when your me it's always easy to find fun.
This is the first day of the rest of my forever and I'm a Punk Star,
Till next time,
BEX!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Good days and Bad days
I realize that this is just a difficult situation. A lot of you may not understand why I'm so down about this breakup and why I keep talking about it. I keep talking about it because it helps get all of the feelings out of my head and try to make sense of it all. This is the first time in a decade that I completely 100% let myself go and fall in love.
A friend told me that I would "have Good days and Bad days" getting through this and "It will take time to heal". But that wasn't entirely true. I'm not having Good days and Bad days, I'm having Good minutes and Bad all the rest of the time. Time to heal? I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to get through the damn time. Yesterday I sank myself into tearing my bedroom and closet apart to reorganize. I did all the laundry, completely cleansed my room and my bathroom, reorganized my closet completely from top to bottom, re did the hall closet, completely deleted all of my old messages from my facebook inbox and all the pictures off my phone and computer. But in the process of this great purge I kept coming across things that belonged to Frank. I handled it okay yesterday, but today I'm not doing so hot. Today is just going to be an absolute waste because my feelings are in a tragic heart breaking mess.
A lot of the hurt comes from feeling betrayed and lied to. I feel like all the pretty fluff about "I want to grow old with you" "I love you" "You were meant to be with me" etc, all of that was a lie. It was a betrayal of my trust because it turned out to be not true and he knew that this was a HUGE step for me. He knew this and still hurt me. How could you not know that those actions would end our relationship? There's only so much that 1 person can take! But the absolute worst part of all this mess came as the conversation between us was ending. Because as I was finishing explaining why this was tearing me apart, he brought her up in the conversation again! Dude, really?? This is why I was walking away! I had to leave the room because I was a half step from breaking into total tears. And all he could say was "I'm sorry that I let her ruin our relationship." But if he was sorry wouldn't he have stopped me? Wouldn't he have put forth the effort to fix the problem? After all the promises of forever, all the promises of true love, wouldn't you have stopped your true love from walking out of your life forever? This is why I feel betrayed. Because I've fought against my own nature, my own insecurities, my own fears, I've put myself in positions that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I've done all of this because for one shiny moment in my life it, no he, was worth the risk. I saw what was inside and he was worth turning my whole world inside out. I took all that on because I didn't just see Happily Ever After, I saw Happily Ever After with Frank. I saw the potential for a truly happy wonderful life with him. I feel betrayed because evidently I was the only one that saw this. I would've turned the universe upside down for him and he wouldn't even ask me to stay. In these moments The part of me that believes in fairy tales can imagine him at my door asking for the chance to fix this because we are meant to be together, forever. Like Prince Charming coming to kiss Beauty awake. But then my brain kicks in and I realize that as much as I want that little story to play out, this is the real world and fairy tales do not exist. I was content in my loneliness until he promised me real love and now that my eyes were opened to this I can't shut them again and go back to sleeping. It would be so much easier if I could just let this go but I can't. I was a strong, independent person that could handle anything that life threw at me and now that is gone, all of my beliefs and dreams are gone. My self assurance has been toppled and now I don't know what to believe in. My self confidence is gone because I chose this path, I chose to let myself go and that was a bad choice. How can I trust me again? If I believed in Frank and everything he said and that was wrong, how do I believe in anything anymore?
"Time heals all wounds" No it doesn't, It gives you scars that are constant reminders.
Till next time,
Becky
A friend told me that I would "have Good days and Bad days" getting through this and "It will take time to heal". But that wasn't entirely true. I'm not having Good days and Bad days, I'm having Good minutes and Bad all the rest of the time. Time to heal? I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to get through the damn time. Yesterday I sank myself into tearing my bedroom and closet apart to reorganize. I did all the laundry, completely cleansed my room and my bathroom, reorganized my closet completely from top to bottom, re did the hall closet, completely deleted all of my old messages from my facebook inbox and all the pictures off my phone and computer. But in the process of this great purge I kept coming across things that belonged to Frank. I handled it okay yesterday, but today I'm not doing so hot. Today is just going to be an absolute waste because my feelings are in a tragic heart breaking mess.
A lot of the hurt comes from feeling betrayed and lied to. I feel like all the pretty fluff about "I want to grow old with you" "I love you" "You were meant to be with me" etc, all of that was a lie. It was a betrayal of my trust because it turned out to be not true and he knew that this was a HUGE step for me. He knew this and still hurt me. How could you not know that those actions would end our relationship? There's only so much that 1 person can take! But the absolute worst part of all this mess came as the conversation between us was ending. Because as I was finishing explaining why this was tearing me apart, he brought her up in the conversation again! Dude, really?? This is why I was walking away! I had to leave the room because I was a half step from breaking into total tears. And all he could say was "I'm sorry that I let her ruin our relationship." But if he was sorry wouldn't he have stopped me? Wouldn't he have put forth the effort to fix the problem? After all the promises of forever, all the promises of true love, wouldn't you have stopped your true love from walking out of your life forever? This is why I feel betrayed. Because I've fought against my own nature, my own insecurities, my own fears, I've put myself in positions that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I've done all of this because for one shiny moment in my life it, no he, was worth the risk. I saw what was inside and he was worth turning my whole world inside out. I took all that on because I didn't just see Happily Ever After, I saw Happily Ever After with Frank. I saw the potential for a truly happy wonderful life with him. I feel betrayed because evidently I was the only one that saw this. I would've turned the universe upside down for him and he wouldn't even ask me to stay. In these moments The part of me that believes in fairy tales can imagine him at my door asking for the chance to fix this because we are meant to be together, forever. Like Prince Charming coming to kiss Beauty awake. But then my brain kicks in and I realize that as much as I want that little story to play out, this is the real world and fairy tales do not exist. I was content in my loneliness until he promised me real love and now that my eyes were opened to this I can't shut them again and go back to sleeping. It would be so much easier if I could just let this go but I can't. I was a strong, independent person that could handle anything that life threw at me and now that is gone, all of my beliefs and dreams are gone. My self assurance has been toppled and now I don't know what to believe in. My self confidence is gone because I chose this path, I chose to let myself go and that was a bad choice. How can I trust me again? If I believed in Frank and everything he said and that was wrong, how do I believe in anything anymore?
"Time heals all wounds" No it doesn't, It gives you scars that are constant reminders.
Till next time,
Becky
Monday, October 18, 2010
Winners and making losers
Someone told me that they've done nothing but lose over the past few years and that they are tired of losing.
That got me thinking and I've been contemplating it in the back of my mind for a bit now. What makes up the difference between winners and losers in this life? Are they born into it? Are some people just predestined to be either a Winner or a Loser? No I don't believe that. Losers aren't born they create themselves. And before I explain my theory on this, let me say that I have no respect or liking for this group of people.
See, Losers are the people that are always whining that they can't do something because of someone else. They pass the blame on to other people when in actuality it's they're own inability to act that holds them back. No one stopped you from acting except yourself. So you failed at something, a Loser will just give up. And usually use all their energy making excuses as to why they failed. Pathetic.
Winners. I love the Winners. Winners are those people that take the chances, they see what they want and they take it. Winners MAKE things happen instead of waiting for them to maybe happen like the Losers do. Winners take the future by the balls and they own it. If a Winner fails then they just keep trying till they WIN!
Winners and Losers are created by personality. If your weak minded then you'll always be a Loser. You will always be afraid to take what you want and you will be unhappy forever. If your strong minded you will always be a Winner, you will be happy because you create your own happiness and never accept less.
I'm a pretty simple person. I pride myself on keeping everything in perspective. I do not accept less than everything and I never will. There are times in my world when my friend Murphy pops up and uses me like a chew toy but I pick myself up and start again. I was asked recently "How do you do that, how do you let it go?" I've thought about my answer very carefully over the past 24 hours. I let it go because if I don't it will ruin my life and rob me of my relationships, it will rob me of my love, my happiness, and my peace of mind. Despite many road blocks and obstacles I let it go and I try again and again. Because I am a Winner. I believe in myself and therefor I can accomplish anything! It's too bad that some people won't rise to their potential and do the same, but I will. I will prevail and conquer. Because that is what I do.
Till next time,
Bex
That got me thinking and I've been contemplating it in the back of my mind for a bit now. What makes up the difference between winners and losers in this life? Are they born into it? Are some people just predestined to be either a Winner or a Loser? No I don't believe that. Losers aren't born they create themselves. And before I explain my theory on this, let me say that I have no respect or liking for this group of people.
See, Losers are the people that are always whining that they can't do something because of someone else. They pass the blame on to other people when in actuality it's they're own inability to act that holds them back. No one stopped you from acting except yourself. So you failed at something, a Loser will just give up. And usually use all their energy making excuses as to why they failed. Pathetic.
Winners. I love the Winners. Winners are those people that take the chances, they see what they want and they take it. Winners MAKE things happen instead of waiting for them to maybe happen like the Losers do. Winners take the future by the balls and they own it. If a Winner fails then they just keep trying till they WIN!
Winners and Losers are created by personality. If your weak minded then you'll always be a Loser. You will always be afraid to take what you want and you will be unhappy forever. If your strong minded you will always be a Winner, you will be happy because you create your own happiness and never accept less.
I'm a pretty simple person. I pride myself on keeping everything in perspective. I do not accept less than everything and I never will. There are times in my world when my friend Murphy pops up and uses me like a chew toy but I pick myself up and start again. I was asked recently "How do you do that, how do you let it go?" I've thought about my answer very carefully over the past 24 hours. I let it go because if I don't it will ruin my life and rob me of my relationships, it will rob me of my love, my happiness, and my peace of mind. Despite many road blocks and obstacles I let it go and I try again and again. Because I am a Winner. I believe in myself and therefor I can accomplish anything! It's too bad that some people won't rise to their potential and do the same, but I will. I will prevail and conquer. Because that is what I do.
Till next time,
Bex
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Irony, Murphy and their best friend Karma
Yep fine I've been a complete douche in my life and now I'm getting back what I deserve three fold. Thank you to my best friend Murphy who is never afraid to set me on track again just to knock me off again. I accept my Karmic debt without blinking, usually. Murphy and his sister Karma are usually my closest BFF's, so I accept what they throw at me. Karma I have generally earned so I take her with a smile, Murphy just likes to see how far I can be pushed before I go over the edge. Okay, I can generally deal with that without completely losing it. However, both at once tend to make me a wee bit self destructive.
There are a few times when Murphy, Karma and their best friend Irony all team up on me at once. Faithful Readers, these times are a little hard to get through.
On top of all the massive bullshit being laid at my feet, we get one more hit. It would seem that one of my best friend's is going to be the best man in a wedding this coming weekend. Normally a cool gig. But I'm feeling a little bitter. The complete psychopath that broke my nose (I beat him half to death with a baseball bat after) and gave my son his last name while I was too doped on Morphine to do anything or tell you my name at that point. The same freak of fucking nature that pops back into my life every time it's going well, that same lecherous, life sucking, lying, double dealing, sack of shit, is getting married this sunday??
My happy ending gets sucked out into the Universe and this soulless monkey fucker gets his happy day?? You have got to be fucking kidding me, right? Seriously?? Un-freakin-believable!!
A Very Pissy,
BEX!!!!
There are a few times when Murphy, Karma and their best friend Irony all team up on me at once. Faithful Readers, these times are a little hard to get through.
On top of all the massive bullshit being laid at my feet, we get one more hit. It would seem that one of my best friend's is going to be the best man in a wedding this coming weekend. Normally a cool gig. But I'm feeling a little bitter. The complete psychopath that broke my nose (I beat him half to death with a baseball bat after) and gave my son his last name while I was too doped on Morphine to do anything or tell you my name at that point. The same freak of fucking nature that pops back into my life every time it's going well, that same lecherous, life sucking, lying, double dealing, sack of shit, is getting married this sunday??
My happy ending gets sucked out into the Universe and this soulless monkey fucker gets his happy day?? You have got to be fucking kidding me, right? Seriously?? Un-freakin-believable!!
A Very Pissy,
BEX!!!!
I'm done, I'm hurt and I'm done
Ya know that I'm an inherently selfish person, utterly, completely self serving and self absorbed. I tried a different route recently. And I tried whole heartedly, I really did. But it ate my entire soul alive! I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology and I was reminded every fucking day more than once a day why I do not use that degree. I can't take listening to other peoples problems and I can't fucking stand listening to their past. It's called the past because it lies behind you, reliving it every day isn't healthy to begin with. However, when you forfeit a future because your not done reliving the past, well that's just wrong. When you watch the woman you said that you want to grow old with walk out the door because you spend too much time talking about your past and not any time talking about your future with her and you sit there and do nothing?? I have my fucking mother that just moved in for god knows how long, an issue with my apartment, 16 million issues with my truck, my best friend cancelled his trip to see me, I've got one friend being passively aggresively pissed off at me cuz I'm not around 24/7, my stepmother wants to forbid me from my father, and I get to listen to a play by play instant replay of the past 20 years of someone's love life that didn't include me down to every minute detail. EVERY DAY MORE THAN ONE TIME A DAY!! That's it! I can not take any more! Someone, anyone please just hold my head while I cry?? Please just hold my head and lie to me?? Just tell me it will be okay??
I don't want apologies for letting someone else from your past destroy us, I have to know that no matter what your past is that your present and future are ME AND YOU! Too many fucking ghosts of girlfriends/ ex wives past, fuck me I should've fucking charged by the hour for my clinical time! At least then I'd be broken hearted and able to shop to my broken hearts content.
I keep telling myself I'm pissed off. I am pissed off. Pissed because I asked everyone to leave me be for 24 and then I got bombed by 5 people. Come on give me a fucking minute to regroup here. But that's just the outer part of me getting pissed at the distraction. My feelings are pretty fucking destroyed at this point. Yeah, it was self inflicted this time. I broke it off, I left, I walked away. Hell I didn't even tell you guys I was giving a second try at this! Okay let's see if I can form my feelings into a coherent thought stream because right now I'm all over the place. It was a rather calm discussion that led up to all of this. But there were things said that stung like a mother fucker, I'd rather be fucking shot! Ya know what I don't even think pouring all this out in a blog is going to help so I'm not going to bother. And as much as I want him to show up at my door when I obviously need him or the phone to ring with him just saying yes I'm sorry I love you and you are my forever, I was wrong. I don't expect these things.
Today will be the past as soon as I lay my head down and I sleep. Tomorrow is the future until I'm in it. "Today was the loneliest day of my life, It's a day that I can't stand, such a lonely day shouldn't exist it's a day that I'll never miss, such a lonely day and it's mine.."
I will not do this again. I did this a decade ago and it's taken me this long to get over it and try again. But I swear I will not do it again. Lol, hell I almost look forward to the crying and pain it's gotta be better than the love that destroyed me. Pain is just a reminder that your still alive. Time to pull up the bootstraps, suck it up and prepare to move out. I will tuck this away in the secret place of my mind along with the other regrets we speak not of and no one will ever hear of it because I will keep it in that place where all of my soul damaging hurts go that no one knows about because I'm so "strong and independant". I will let this pain turn to hatred pure hatred because I can handle that and use it and no one will know the difference, it will be just another "Becky self inflicted explosion" the true Becky vets will endure and the newbies will either survive or not. Because honestly at this point I don't want anyone around me and I could give a fuck less who's left standing because evidently I bare a lot in common with a plague victim. Okay enough. I'm going to have my time and tomorrow is another day as Scarlett O'Hara once said. For all those in my past that I've made feel this way, feel good that Karma got me this time.
Becky
I don't want apologies for letting someone else from your past destroy us, I have to know that no matter what your past is that your present and future are ME AND YOU! Too many fucking ghosts of girlfriends/ ex wives past, fuck me I should've fucking charged by the hour for my clinical time! At least then I'd be broken hearted and able to shop to my broken hearts content.
I keep telling myself I'm pissed off. I am pissed off. Pissed because I asked everyone to leave me be for 24 and then I got bombed by 5 people. Come on give me a fucking minute to regroup here. But that's just the outer part of me getting pissed at the distraction. My feelings are pretty fucking destroyed at this point. Yeah, it was self inflicted this time. I broke it off, I left, I walked away. Hell I didn't even tell you guys I was giving a second try at this! Okay let's see if I can form my feelings into a coherent thought stream because right now I'm all over the place. It was a rather calm discussion that led up to all of this. But there were things said that stung like a mother fucker, I'd rather be fucking shot! Ya know what I don't even think pouring all this out in a blog is going to help so I'm not going to bother. And as much as I want him to show up at my door when I obviously need him or the phone to ring with him just saying yes I'm sorry I love you and you are my forever, I was wrong. I don't expect these things.
Today will be the past as soon as I lay my head down and I sleep. Tomorrow is the future until I'm in it. "Today was the loneliest day of my life, It's a day that I can't stand, such a lonely day shouldn't exist it's a day that I'll never miss, such a lonely day and it's mine.."
I will not do this again. I did this a decade ago and it's taken me this long to get over it and try again. But I swear I will not do it again. Lol, hell I almost look forward to the crying and pain it's gotta be better than the love that destroyed me. Pain is just a reminder that your still alive. Time to pull up the bootstraps, suck it up and prepare to move out. I will tuck this away in the secret place of my mind along with the other regrets we speak not of and no one will ever hear of it because I will keep it in that place where all of my soul damaging hurts go that no one knows about because I'm so "strong and independant". I will let this pain turn to hatred pure hatred because I can handle that and use it and no one will know the difference, it will be just another "Becky self inflicted explosion" the true Becky vets will endure and the newbies will either survive or not. Because honestly at this point I don't want anyone around me and I could give a fuck less who's left standing because evidently I bare a lot in common with a plague victim. Okay enough. I'm going to have my time and tomorrow is another day as Scarlett O'Hara once said. For all those in my past that I've made feel this way, feel good that Karma got me this time.
Becky
It's Complicated and other sayings to escape talking
I often have wondered if some people don't use the phrase "It's Complicated" as some sort of get out of jail free card. Think about it, if someone asks you to explain how come your significant other isn't around you just answer "It's complicated" and no further excuse or explanation is required. If you ask your significant other to explain the boundaries of your relationship, "It's complicated" will usually buy them enough time to escape that conversation by putting something shiny in front of your face!
In fact, "It's complicated" can pretty much get you out of any conversational situation except maybe the police in which case you use the "terrible, explosive diarreah" excuse along with accompanying suitable facial expressions. Do not doubt me, it works. Anyhow, give it a try! Come up with some questions in your head that you just don't want to answer or a fight you know you can't win. Yep "It's complicated" works!
In fact there are quite a few phrases that can buy you some time to make your escape. But you have to have your timing right. Significant other asks a complicated question, answer this way: Baby I love you why are you asking me to explain something as all encompassing as my love for you? Or go this way: Isn't my heart and all my love enough for you (look appropriately sad)? It'll make them back pedal so fast that you can make a clean get away!! "Your making my heart hurt" also works pretty outstanding in making him/her stop whatever flow of conversation your trying to interrupt.
Buddies ask you to go out on friday night and you don't want to go because your tired of being the wingman and taking one for the team, no worries! "Dude can't got something going on with Mom, ya know how that is." As soon as they hear "mom" all guys relate and back down. Then your free to go to another pub that night and use someone else as the wingman, lol! If by chance ya get caught throw out there "that at last minute Mom's club (sewing, bridge, church, etc.) called an emergency get together" and your free. This also works if your boss wants you to stay late also by the way. If you don't have kids use Mom, never fails.
There are other phrases that of course you will want to avoid at any cost in your life. Especially with a partner! Never say "No that's not how it is" when explaining yourself to a significant other! That's how you get to a full blown argument in 1 step or less! "No, your wrong" will do the same thing. "I'm not ready for that kind of commitment" will lead to very raw feelings and a quick break up but when replaced with my handy dandy "Isn't my heart and all my love enough for you (look appropriately sad)?" yep next thing ya know your making out and the scary conversation is over. Oh and please avoid my usual screw up! When someone says I love you, thank you is evidently not an appropriate response, or so I've been told countless times! Don't ever start a conversation with"We need to talk" either. It puts the other person on the defensive and you will be wrong no matter what you say after it.
Well there is my short little spin on that! Use in good faith, friends.
Till next time,
Bex
In fact, "It's complicated" can pretty much get you out of any conversational situation except maybe the police in which case you use the "terrible, explosive diarreah" excuse along with accompanying suitable facial expressions. Do not doubt me, it works. Anyhow, give it a try! Come up with some questions in your head that you just don't want to answer or a fight you know you can't win. Yep "It's complicated" works!
In fact there are quite a few phrases that can buy you some time to make your escape. But you have to have your timing right. Significant other asks a complicated question, answer this way: Baby I love you why are you asking me to explain something as all encompassing as my love for you? Or go this way: Isn't my heart and all my love enough for you (look appropriately sad)? It'll make them back pedal so fast that you can make a clean get away!! "Your making my heart hurt" also works pretty outstanding in making him/her stop whatever flow of conversation your trying to interrupt.
Buddies ask you to go out on friday night and you don't want to go because your tired of being the wingman and taking one for the team, no worries! "Dude can't got something going on with Mom, ya know how that is." As soon as they hear "mom" all guys relate and back down. Then your free to go to another pub that night and use someone else as the wingman, lol! If by chance ya get caught throw out there "that at last minute Mom's club (sewing, bridge, church, etc.) called an emergency get together" and your free. This also works if your boss wants you to stay late also by the way. If you don't have kids use Mom, never fails.
There are other phrases that of course you will want to avoid at any cost in your life. Especially with a partner! Never say "No that's not how it is" when explaining yourself to a significant other! That's how you get to a full blown argument in 1 step or less! "No, your wrong" will do the same thing. "I'm not ready for that kind of commitment" will lead to very raw feelings and a quick break up but when replaced with my handy dandy "Isn't my heart and all my love enough for you (look appropriately sad)?" yep next thing ya know your making out and the scary conversation is over. Oh and please avoid my usual screw up! When someone says I love you, thank you is evidently not an appropriate response, or so I've been told countless times! Don't ever start a conversation with"We need to talk" either. It puts the other person on the defensive and you will be wrong no matter what you say after it.
Well there is my short little spin on that! Use in good faith, friends.
Till next time,
Bex
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Out of Destruction comes Creation
One of the most beautiful things throughout history is that in the wake of great destruction comes great creation. With every war and natural disaster the aftermath is always a great reformation. Every thing becomes more advanced in these periods, engineering, technology and even cultural cooperation even artists seem to find their Muse in these periods of rebuilding. Some of the most amazing works in Art, Music and Literature happen during these transitions. Humanity really is at it's best when we are working together to build something new.
Now while we are keeping that in mind it really is no different for the individual as it is for a society. Bare with me for a moment while I explain this theory.
I'm going to use myself for the main example because it makes for an easier explanation, however I got to actually watch someone else go through this recently and it made for an interesting perspective change.
As in most people's lives there comes a time when it all just becomes too much to take for me. Everything just becomes too much to handle all at once, there's too much turmoil, too much emotion, too many things coming at me all at the same time. As we have all witnessed, Murphy seems to go on these month long trips of meddling in my life. Anything that can go wrong, will go terribly wrong. During these periods I try to laugh through it but eventually if it doesn't let up, I tend to just snap and explode in multiple directions. Generally hitting the people closest to me. For the hardcore "Becky Veterans" it's business as usual. For those not use to this behavior it can be slightly traumatic to watch me systematically destroy every aspect of my life from the inside out. And probably more traumatic is watching the emotional destruction I put myself through during these self destructive moments.
From these nuclear events comes a great rebuilding. After the dust has settled, I can take the time to investigate every aspect of what caused the meltdown and assess the damage. If history is not learned we are doomed to repeat it. Out of this comes the great rebuild of my character to prevent repeating the Chernobyl size calamity. I build on my strengths and learn to shore up my weaknesses. I do not waste my time with self loathing or regrets because this doesn't build a better me. Learning from my mistakes and moving on builds a better me.
It helps to understand the past and your mistakes so that you don't repeat them but it helps more to learn and move on. You can't see where all the mistakes were made but for the mistakes you can see clearly, take those lessons and move on. Let the rest of the past that isn't so clear, go. Let it slide out of your current life or it will cloud your future. Out of self destruction comes the ability for a new beginning, don't waste that chance by living in the past. A new beginning is a universe of possibilities and great hope, to forfeit that chance is a greater crime against yourself.
Till next time faithful readers,
BEX!
Now while we are keeping that in mind it really is no different for the individual as it is for a society. Bare with me for a moment while I explain this theory.
I'm going to use myself for the main example because it makes for an easier explanation, however I got to actually watch someone else go through this recently and it made for an interesting perspective change.
As in most people's lives there comes a time when it all just becomes too much to take for me. Everything just becomes too much to handle all at once, there's too much turmoil, too much emotion, too many things coming at me all at the same time. As we have all witnessed, Murphy seems to go on these month long trips of meddling in my life. Anything that can go wrong, will go terribly wrong. During these periods I try to laugh through it but eventually if it doesn't let up, I tend to just snap and explode in multiple directions. Generally hitting the people closest to me. For the hardcore "Becky Veterans" it's business as usual. For those not use to this behavior it can be slightly traumatic to watch me systematically destroy every aspect of my life from the inside out. And probably more traumatic is watching the emotional destruction I put myself through during these self destructive moments.
From these nuclear events comes a great rebuilding. After the dust has settled, I can take the time to investigate every aspect of what caused the meltdown and assess the damage. If history is not learned we are doomed to repeat it. Out of this comes the great rebuild of my character to prevent repeating the Chernobyl size calamity. I build on my strengths and learn to shore up my weaknesses. I do not waste my time with self loathing or regrets because this doesn't build a better me. Learning from my mistakes and moving on builds a better me.
It helps to understand the past and your mistakes so that you don't repeat them but it helps more to learn and move on. You can't see where all the mistakes were made but for the mistakes you can see clearly, take those lessons and move on. Let the rest of the past that isn't so clear, go. Let it slide out of your current life or it will cloud your future. Out of self destruction comes the ability for a new beginning, don't waste that chance by living in the past. A new beginning is a universe of possibilities and great hope, to forfeit that chance is a greater crime against yourself.
Till next time faithful readers,
BEX!
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