Good days and Bad days

I realize that this is just a difficult situation. A lot of you may not understand why I'm so down about this breakup and why I keep talking about it. I keep talking about it because it helps get all of the feelings out of my head and try to make sense of it all. This is the first time in a decade that I completely 100% let myself go and fall in love.

A friend told me that I would "have Good days and Bad days" getting through this and "It will take time to heal". But that wasn't entirely true. I'm not having Good days and Bad days, I'm having Good minutes and Bad all the rest of the time. Time to heal? I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to get through the damn time. Yesterday I sank myself into tearing my bedroom and closet apart to reorganize. I did all the laundry, completely cleansed my room and my bathroom, reorganized my closet completely from top to bottom, re did the hall closet, completely deleted all of my old messages from my facebook inbox and all the pictures off my phone and computer. But in the process of this great purge I kept coming across things that belonged to Frank. I handled it okay yesterday, but today I'm not doing so hot. Today is just going to be an absolute waste because my feelings are in a tragic heart breaking mess.

A lot of the hurt comes from feeling betrayed and lied to. I feel like all the pretty fluff about "I want to grow old with you" "I love you" "You were meant to be with me" etc, all of that was a lie. It was a betrayal of my trust because it turned out to be not true and he knew that this was a HUGE step for me. He knew this and still hurt me. How could you not know that those actions would end our relationship? There's only so much that 1 person can take! But the absolute worst part of all this mess came as the conversation between us was ending. Because as I was finishing explaining why this was tearing me apart, he brought her up in the conversation again! Dude, really?? This is why I was walking away! I had to leave the room because I was a half step from breaking into total tears. And all he could say was "I'm sorry that I let her ruin our relationship." But if he was sorry wouldn't he have stopped me? Wouldn't he have put forth the effort to fix the problem? After all the promises of forever, all the promises of true love, wouldn't you have stopped your true love from walking out of your life forever? This is why I feel betrayed. Because I've fought against my own nature, my own insecurities, my own fears, I've put myself in positions that I'm not entirely comfortable with. I've done all of this because for one shiny moment in my life it, no he, was worth the risk. I saw what was inside and he was worth turning my whole world inside out. I took all that on because I didn't just see Happily Ever After, I saw Happily Ever After with Frank. I saw the potential for a truly happy wonderful life with him. I feel betrayed because evidently I was the only one that saw this. I would've turned the universe upside down for him and he wouldn't even ask me to stay. In these moments The part of me that believes in fairy tales can imagine him at my door asking for the chance to fix this because we are meant to be together, forever. Like Prince Charming coming to kiss Beauty awake. But then my brain kicks in and I realize that as much as I want that little story to play out, this is the real world and fairy tales do not exist. I was content in my loneliness until he promised me real love and now that my eyes were opened to this I can't shut them again and go back to sleeping. It would be so much easier if I could just let this go but I can't. I was a strong, independent person that could handle anything that life threw at me and now that is gone, all of my beliefs and dreams are gone. My self assurance has been toppled and now I don't know what to believe in. My self confidence is gone because I chose this path, I chose to let myself go and that was a bad choice. How can I trust me again? If I believed in Frank and everything he said and that was wrong, how do I believe in anything anymore?
"Time heals all wounds" No it doesn't, It gives you scars that are constant reminders.

Till next time,
Becky