Never thought I'd be back in this feeling again, never thought I'd be drowning in it. I was always the strong one, never gave any one the ground to be able to hurt me again. There isn't a person on the planet I couldn't walk away from with out so much as a glance backwards.
So why does it feel like all of the oxygen has left the room? Why can't I breathe correctly? Why does it feel like I'm crossing my arms to hold myself together, like if I don't then I will shatter? I feel like I'm made of broken glass that tried to come back together but did it all wrong. Why can't I walk away again? This isn't fair! This isn't supposed to happen this way. I shouldn't be standing here with a hole in my heart. None of this was supposed to happen, but it did and now I can't figure it out. Did the end of forever come that fast because that's what you promised me, and this sure doesn't look like the end of forever it looks like the first week in October. I want to scream and cry and sob till I can't catch my breath, I want to destroy something beautiful.
I hurt all the way into my soul. A hopeless, black pain that I had forgotten. It consumed me once before and I almost didn't make it out of it alive. It changed my whole being. And here it is again with it's crushing darkness and wrenching, heart pounding loss. Why can't I find the air to breathe, why can't I sleep without seeing it all behind my eyes playing out again and again. Why can't I be free to just lose it, why can't I just let go and cry. Why can't I even find the air to cry? Why can't I pull all of my pieces together again? Why couldn't I have my Jack? Why did my fairy tale not merit a happily ever after? Why wasn't I worth the promise of forever. Why is all the air gone?
Becky
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