More then loss of one

Having sat thru like 13 episodes of Buffy, btw murphy managed to throw me all the depressing ones. I realized it's more than just losing the man that I love that I though was my one true mate. It's the loss of an entire family. I love his sons as much as I love mine, His dad and i have an amazing connection and I love him as much as my parents. But now I've lost an entire family and it's not as if there is death or catastrophe to blame all this loss on. They just aren't there anymore. all of them out of my life that fast, just gone poof. I keep searching for closure and meaning and reason and there is none. And then there's the stupid part of me that holds out hope that there will be a second chance but with every moment that goes by that nothing happens, my heart breaks all over again. It's just a constant vicious cycle of heartbreak and pain. My body keeps moving forward. The house is clean, beds are made, despite my cold I am showered and put together. But it's all just a complete show. Physically following habits and schedules, my mind is screaming and my heart is crying and my soul feels lost. Made a serious underestimation thinking this would go away soon because it just gets worse every hour of everyday.