Too funny for words

Some stuff that's just made me laugh very recently, Status shuffle, Perry Mason, My son's, crazy new stalker neighbors and of course being ME!

These may come out of order so be aware of that. I'll start small. Perry freakin' Mason! For some reason one of the premium movie channels I have on Fio's shows old Perry Mason movies starting at like 5am. Lately the insomnia has been killing me, so I've been up till about 6. Old Perry runs around with the help of his assistant solving all these wild little crime mysteries and then the criminals are like "aww shucks Perry Mason busted me, damn he's good!". I want to know how come the criminal element isn't going "Hey this Perry guy keeps catching us, $10,000 to the first person to shank this fat motherfucker!!" Seriously, how did this guy not get killed? I realize it's television and all fictional and stuff but come on a little reality would be nice, at least let him get taken hostage and have to like gnaw through the ropes to get away or have him get sliced and end up with a bad ass scar across his big melon! Those movies suck and I can't figure out why, with all the movies out there they are showing Perry fucking Mason!!

Being me is always a laugh, even when it's not. Yesterday was one of those awesome days when my Muse was working in short, witty bursts. Here are a few of my gems from yesterday, please feel free to steal a few but at least treat them like quotes and give me proper credit because it takes a lot of work to be this funny! " Ever look at one of your ex's and think WOW was I drunk through that whole relationship? If that's love I'd rather drink battery acid! Ever listen to something your kid says and wonder if he was switched at birth? How did you manage to escape Darwins Theory? Your intelligence called, it wants you to know that your not worth the effort it's leaving you. Sorry buddy! Some people aren't even worth the energy of using the brain cells damaged by alcohol! I feel my brain cells jumping to their death every time you breathe, damn oxygen thief!".
I make me laugh sometimes but this segues into my next topic very nicely.

Status Shuffle or How I can steal someone else's humor. Now don't get me wrong, I will use a quote from someone because it's funny or poignant. I will repost a status for the same reasons. And sometimes the shit you find on Status Shuffle is hilarious!!! I'm not arguing that. What cracks me up to no end are the people that ALWAYS use Status Shuffle! Every time they are online their status is from this page. Can you not come up with an original, creative thought all on your own? Is it physically impossible for you to exercise your very own humor and wit? The point of the Status is to let the world know what your doing, thinking, saying. The world wants to keep updated on you and your thoughts not the stolen thoughts of others. Hey, if you need help I'm here for you buddy! I can come up with some Cracker Jack stuff, lmao! Is that the best you got?? I don't think so, work harder!

Back to being me. My Son's Brian and Ian are endless sources of amusement on so many different levels. They are exact polar opposites. B is exactly like me and Ian is not. Ian is his own little personality and I'm not exactly sure where it came from lol. I do know for a fact that eventually Ian is going to despise me and B with all his little heart. We wouldn't be so hard on him if he didn't make it so easy! For one reason or another B had to explain the difference between our dysfunctional dynamic and what he called a "Real Family", Ian sat and listened to this, he looks at me, looks at B, looks back at me and says "I want a real family". B and I burst out laughing and Ian smiles, shakes his head and says "Nah, that's just boring!" Feels pretty fine knowing my offspring have an appreciation for my unorthodox life. Ian frequently says some off the wall shit that just makes me look at him and really wonder if he's mine though. I'm prepping a steak for dinner. Ian: Is that chicken? Me: No Ian: It looks like chicken. Me: It's not. I look at the steak and then stare at Ian. Ian: It could be chicken. Me: Except that it's Beef! Ian: The Beef could be chicken if it really wanted to be. And Ian walks away! WTF? I stare at the Beef and find myself wondering if it could be chicken if it really wanted to be?
Brian is a whole different story. I honestly do feel bad for him sometimes because he is so much like me. B, as he is called doesn't look at the world through a kids eyes and he never has. He has a quick intelligence and wit that sets him apart. He also has my impatience for stupidity and lack of common sense. It drives him nuts! And I laugh my ass off when someone says something to him that makes no sense and I see the conflict behind his eyes, "Punch him in the mouth to prevent the stupid shit from falling out or walk away and pretend I didn't hear it?" Frequently he will laugh in these situations and people take that as oh he thought I was funny but it's really him thinking your a fucking moron! It's hard for me at 35, to control my thoughts and energy sometimes so I know his struggle is twice as hard, I remember how tough it was on me at that age. But last night he was telling me his thoughts on some of the stuff that goes on around him living at his dads house. I was crying I was laughing so hard!! The look on his face when he was talking about some of the shit his 2 year old brother does. B has no tolerance for little kids, he never has. He does ok for a very short period of time but then he's just wondering why this little person doesn't just grow up? He was telling me a story about how this kid ducks behind this desk and covers his eyes to become invisible and B is like "Mom I'm too big I can't get him back there and then he will just bolt out yelling and laughing and I'm sitting there going WTF is wrong with this kid!?!" I was cracking up because B is dumbfounded by this kid! He obviously doesn't remember Ian being that little.

Crazy ass stalker neighbors. This new dude moved into our apartment complex. Joe (my neighbor) meets this dude and tells me I gotta meet him he's a wicked cool dude. I meet this guy Don and immediately dislike him. In fact we went to school with this guy! I didn't like him then and I don't like him now. I told Joe to keep him away from me. Well Don has taken it upon himself to be Joe's new best friend and is text stalking him! Don keeps sending messages like "Can I make you breakfast, Can I come over, Are you mad at me, I can see into your apartment at night" Creepy shit like that!!! Poor Joe is freaking out and constantly trying to use me as an excuse to escape this guys clutches. Having had this happen to me in the past, I'm enjoying the hell out of watching this!!

Too funny for words friends.

I'm going to laugh when Death finally comes for me and He looks like Grim from The Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy!

Till next time,
THE AWESOME ADVENTURES OF BEX!!!