Ya know that I'm an inherently selfish person, utterly, completely self serving and self absorbed. I tried a different route recently. And I tried whole heartedly, I really did. But it ate my entire soul alive! I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology and I was reminded every fucking day more than once a day why I do not use that degree. I can't take listening to other peoples problems and I can't fucking stand listening to their past. It's called the past because it lies behind you, reliving it every day isn't healthy to begin with. However, when you forfeit a future because your not done reliving the past, well that's just wrong. When you watch the woman you said that you want to grow old with walk out the door because you spend too much time talking about your past and not any time talking about your future with her and you sit there and do nothing?? I have my fucking mother that just moved in for god knows how long, an issue with my apartment, 16 million issues with my truck, my best friend cancelled his trip to see me, I've got one friend being passively aggresively pissed off at me cuz I'm not around 24/7, my stepmother wants to forbid me from my father, and I get to listen to a play by play instant replay of the past 20 years of someone's love life that didn't include me down to every minute detail. EVERY DAY MORE THAN ONE TIME A DAY!! That's it! I can not take any more! Someone, anyone please just hold my head while I cry?? Please just hold my head and lie to me?? Just tell me it will be okay??
I don't want apologies for letting someone else from your past destroy us, I have to know that no matter what your past is that your present and future are ME AND YOU! Too many fucking ghosts of girlfriends/ ex wives past, fuck me I should've fucking charged by the hour for my clinical time! At least then I'd be broken hearted and able to shop to my broken hearts content.
I keep telling myself I'm pissed off. I am pissed off. Pissed because I asked everyone to leave me be for 24 and then I got bombed by 5 people. Come on give me a fucking minute to regroup here. But that's just the outer part of me getting pissed at the distraction. My feelings are pretty fucking destroyed at this point. Yeah, it was self inflicted this time. I broke it off, I left, I walked away. Hell I didn't even tell you guys I was giving a second try at this! Okay let's see if I can form my feelings into a coherent thought stream because right now I'm all over the place. It was a rather calm discussion that led up to all of this. But there were things said that stung like a mother fucker, I'd rather be fucking shot! Ya know what I don't even think pouring all this out in a blog is going to help so I'm not going to bother. And as much as I want him to show up at my door when I obviously need him or the phone to ring with him just saying yes I'm sorry I love you and you are my forever, I was wrong. I don't expect these things.
Today will be the past as soon as I lay my head down and I sleep. Tomorrow is the future until I'm in it. "Today was the loneliest day of my life, It's a day that I can't stand, such a lonely day shouldn't exist it's a day that I'll never miss, such a lonely day and it's mine.."
I will not do this again. I did this a decade ago and it's taken me this long to get over it and try again. But I swear I will not do it again. Lol, hell I almost look forward to the crying and pain it's gotta be better than the love that destroyed me. Pain is just a reminder that your still alive. Time to pull up the bootstraps, suck it up and prepare to move out. I will tuck this away in the secret place of my mind along with the other regrets we speak not of and no one will ever hear of it because I will keep it in that place where all of my soul damaging hurts go that no one knows about because I'm so "strong and independant". I will let this pain turn to hatred pure hatred because I can handle that and use it and no one will know the difference, it will be just another "Becky self inflicted explosion" the true Becky vets will endure and the newbies will either survive or not. Because honestly at this point I don't want anyone around me and I could give a fuck less who's left standing because evidently I bare a lot in common with a plague victim. Okay enough. I'm going to have my time and tomorrow is another day as Scarlett O'Hara once said. For all those in my past that I've made feel this way, feel good that Karma got me this time.
Becky
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